March 21, 2013

• Thursday 21st March

   

   

   

  I slept well, woke at 4am and then back to sleep until nearly 6am.

  Sat up in bed and did some work on my laptop.

  Before I hopped in the shower I had a quick look at the dvd of photos a young lass had taken at the funeral.

  It was good to see them and get another perspective of the day and also see photos of people who were there that I had missed in the haze of the crowd.

  Towards the end there was a photo of all the mussels, steamed open and people standing around eating them.

  For some reason that photo tipped my emotional bucket over.

  It was 7am and I needed to get moving so I hopped into the shower and as the water flowed over me an immense wave of grief hit me and I sobbed and sobbed.

  It was like a tap was turned on and I couldn't turn it off.

  I said goodbye to Andrea through a curtain of tears.

  Then I had an hour before I had to leave so did some online banking and tried to sort out an email from the lawyer.

  In my emotional haze I couldn't make sense of it so asked Ross for help.

  Ended up making an appointment to see the lawyer later in the day.

  As I left Richmond at 9am I called in to pick up the camcorder and dvd they had copied off it for me.

  Had to go through the whole, 'I thought I recognised you and I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and how are you doing?' conversation.

  I could barely talk.

  Thankfully she recognised that fact and didn't push it.

  As I drove along the motorway into Nelson I cried and cried and cried.

  Normally while driving in the car I would have the radio going and be keeping up with the news etc, but now I can't bear the intrusion of noise and unnecessary voices.

  At night Tim & I would usually have the small transistor radio going and listen to late night talk back but I cant handle the inconsequential prattle now.

  Now I need quiet.

  I cannot cope with the intrusion of silliness, or stupidity, or too much activity.

  It is like I am living in a bubble.
  A bubble that is all blurry around the edges, but which has made my internal senses sharper and more heightened.

  One part of me is all hazy and blurry and non comprehending, but within that part the other is clear and resonated and taut like a rubber band.

   

  I drove straight to my 9:30am appointment with Julie.

  She was bright and welcoming but recognised immediately that I was not in a good place.

  It was so good just to lie back and relax while she did my facial and massage.

  I was a mess and my face and skin were portraying that fact.

  On the drive into town I had come to realise that I was getting sick.

  My whole body was breaking down.

  My emotions for the past month have been stretched to the max and I have been living on sheer will power.

  I have not been sleeping enough.

  I have not been eating properly.
  All the physical warning bells were beginning to ring loudly in my head.

  I was beginning to get a sore throat and small ulcers were threatening to erupt on my tongue.

  My head was aching and my stomach has been continually churning.

  I just haven't got the energy to respond.

   

  Julie lovingly sent me on my way with a hug and assurances of her ongoing support.

  I headed down the street to Hangar 58.

  Sally was already there with Mahalia & Azzan.

  They were in fine fettle had been perusing the menu and making important choices as to what they wanted to have for breakfast.

  They decided to order the Flight deck breakfast and share it between them.

  Azzan was also wanting a fancy fizzy drink.

  I warned him that I did not have any energy to cope with having to scrape him off the ceiling after it and he promised faithfully that he would be in control!!

  Paula & Dave arrived.

  Paula gave the kids $20 and said she was shouting them breakfast.

  They were thrilled and went running back to suss out the menu and check out the prices.

  Just the right amount so they were able to enjoy sharing their food.

  Looking at Azzan's eyes in this photo I am wondering if the fizzy drink hasn't already hit the rain cells

  

  I got Sally to come over closer so we didn't have to talk across the children and tables.

  She and Dave had a lovely chat while Paula and I had a moment to talk quietly in the background.

  I so appreciate the times we manage to find in the busyness of life to catch up with these two very special friends.

  Paula was on of my lifelines when I first came to live in the Sounds.

  It wasn't an easy time back then being a young mother with little children in a very isolated area.

  

   

  It was all too soon approaching midday and we had to leave.

  I went to meet Katarina at Starbucks.

  Sally dropped the kids off at the library and then came to join us.

  We had been trying to meet for coffee for over a year so it really was good to see her.

  And also to introduce my two friends

   

  At 1pm we headed off to do a few jobs.

  I got caught up in the candle shop.

  The lady was the one Azzan had been visiting with after Tim was killed.

  He continues to go there and seek her out and chat with her whenever he is in town.

  She was so taken with him.

  I saw this lovely glass candle holder and couldn't resist it.

  So now it is in pride of place on our lovely macrocarpa bench.

  I have never really been a 'burning candles' type of person.

  The children enjoy decorating the dinner table at times, but now I think I would like this on our table.

  

   

  Phillipa was able to pick Ross up for me and bring him into the city so he could come to the lawyers with me at 2pm.

  I was so glad he was there.

  It took the stress right out of the meeting as he was able to understand and retain all the information I couldn't get my head around.

  Last time I was there and they produced pages of problems I just caved under the pressure of trying to understand what they were talking about.

  On a 'normal' day I would've taken it all in my stride.

  But my days are never normal now, and I wonder if they ever will be again

   

  During the meeting I had to get hold of Sally to ask her something about the funeral catering.

  I knew her phone had just gone flat.

  So I called her sister's shop.

  Her nephew said they had just gone out for coffee.

  I asked for Maria's cell number.

  'Oh, she has left it here.' he replied.

  So I asked if he knew where they were going.

  He started explaining that he didn't know the name but it was some cafe in Bridge St near a physio place.

  I exclaimed 'Broccoli Row!'

  Yes, that's the one!!

  So I got the phone book out, called up Broccoli Row and began explaining who I was looking for.

  Then I said to the lady, 'That's the one I want - the one who is laughing.'

  I could hear Sally very distinctive laughter in the background!!

  Don't you just love small personal cities where you can track someone down that easily

   

  So not only did I get some answers to my questions, I was able to tee up for her to take Ross back home after our meeting.

  That was such a great help as my day was getting busier than I had planned.

  Nathan text me to ask if I could come meet him and a friend to discuss something.

  So once Ross & Sally left I headed back to Hanger 58 and spent 30-40minutes with Nathan.

  It was a slightly awkward meeting as I was rather put on the spot about a difficult matter and because of my emotional state, was not really a good place to be put in that position.

  But I managed to sort it and Nathan was great.

  We had a lovely time before I left.

  He is so loving and supportive and protective of me.

  I am so blessed by my kids.

   

  Then finally I was able to breath and called Phillipa to arrange to meet up.

  She was getting her groceries so I swung past and got mine at the same time.

  She helped me gather what I needed and got me through the checkout.

  Andrea dropped a very exhausted Marah off.

  We chucked all the groceries in the vehicle and then headed to Starbucks to chill.

   

  Nuana had collected the kids from the library earlier and was hanging out in town with them.

  Mahalia had fun spending her birthday money and Nuana spoiled them both by buying them other stuff.

  Shoshannah & Katherine were also in town.

  At 5:30pm Starbucks closed and we had to leave.

  We spotted Farmers sale was on and the shop was open until midnight.

  So we wandered through the store on the way back to the car.

  I found some clothes suitable for the weddings and then got lost in the nightware section.

  Got a text from Mahalia asking where we were and that they needed money!

  So they came in and we had lots of fun finding sale clothes.

  I found myself some pjs.

  The kids had already bought themselves some 'onesies'
   and were absolutely sure that I should get some too.

  I was equally positive that I was not getting them!!

  Then!!

  Then we found the baby department.

  There was lots of ooohhs and aaahhs and gooing and gaaing over all the cute wee outfits.

  I ended up at the counter with an armful of clothes for me and the soon to be born grandchild, plus a couple of extra things that Mahalia & Azzan thought they just had to have 'cuz they are really really cheap today Mum'!

   

  Phillipa had to leave so we all said our goodbyes and headed to the cars.

  We met up at the Winnington's and did a complete repack of the vehicle and very carefully managed to fit Mahalia's 'new' harp in.

  It was much larger than the previous one and I was quite worried as to how we were going to get everything in plus that.

  But amazingly we did!!

   

  The girls were all in high spirits so it took some time to get mine loaded in the vehicle.

  But finally we were out the drive and off.

  Just had a quick stop to get fuel, then another at Nathan's to pick up all the silverbeet.

  Because the landscapers are coming in to spray all the weeds and begin the tidy up I wanted to rescue the silverbeet and bring home to eat.

   

  I had bought a roasted chicken and some cheese bread sticks so Mahalia & Azzan made dinner for us all as we drove.

  It was after 7pm when we left town so the roads were quieter  and the heat had gone out of the day.

  There was some very entertaining conversation coming from the back seat.

  Azzan did not have his ipod or a dvd player to entertain him so he entertained us with advice to Marah as to how she should proceed to give birth to her baby when the time comes

  The trip home was good and we were soon dropping Marah off at The Croft and we were unloading at home before 10pm.

  Julia helped unload and as she had to leave early the next morning she and Azzan sat and swapped music.

  

  Azzan was all snuggled up in his new onesies.

  

  Mahalia unwrapped the harp and gave us a demo.

  The sound is amazing compared to the other smaller one.

  

  

   

  I had to kick them all off to bed as it was 11pm.

  It had been a very long draining day and so very good to be back home.

  I am so blessed to have such close friends and family to envelope and support me through all the emotional trauma and upheaval.

   

  It was quite a chilly Autumn-ish evening.

  It was with mixed emotions I turned on my electric blanket.

  Just another reminder that I have no one to keep me warm at nights

   

   

   

   

  • 12:41 pm
  • 2 Comments