March 2, 2013

• Sunday 3rd March

   

   

   

  I slept well last night.

  I was so tired my head his the pillow and I was out like a light.

  I went to bed feeling a bit scared.

  I felt like there were no more tears to cry and I don't want to stop them.

  If they stop then it feels like I am moving on and leaving my Timmy behind.

  And that scares the pants off me.

  But I woke this morning at 5am and have been sitting here in the peace of the early morning reading through messages that have been sent over the past weeks - actually I really hate that too - weeks... it still feels like days.

  But time is moving on and it is now moving into the 3rd week since that terrible day.

  This morning as I read the messages and look at photos I find the tears well up and I am strangely comforted by them.

   

  My dear friend Eilidh has been sending me supportive and encouraging wee emails along the way.

  I just found this poem she sent after the funeral.

  It is so lovely.

  I really see Tim in those words.

  He did walk the mile with me.

  O who will walk a mile with me
  Along life's merry way?
  A comrade blithe and full of glee,
  Who dares to laugh out loud and free,
  And let his frolic fancy play,
  Like a happy child, through the flowers gay
  That fill the field and fringe the way
  Where he walks a mile with me.

  And who will walk a mile with me
  Along life's weary way?
  A friend whose heart has eyes to see
  The stars shine out o'er the darkening lea,
  And the quiet rest at the end o' the day,--
  A friend who knows, and dares to say,
  The brave, sweet words that cheer the way
  Where he walks a mile with me.

  With such a comrade, such a friend,
  I fain would walk till journeys end,
  Through summer sunshine, winter rain,
  And then?--Farewell, we shall meet again!
  -Henry Van Dyke

   

  Then as I read I was thinking of the song that Bri parodied at the graveside, 'I would walk 500 miles'.

  

  She changed 'walk' to 'drive' cuz Dad drove everywhere in his beatup farm truck.

  When I'm grubbing, well I know I'm gonna be
  I'm gonna be the one that's grubbing next to you.
  And when I'm fishing, yeah I know I'm gonna be
  I'm gonna be the one who's fishing next to you.

  But I would grub 500 tawhinnys
  And you would grub 500 more
  Just to be the ones who grubbed 1000 tawhinnys
  So they would be on the farm no more

  When I'm hunting, yeah I know I'm gonna be
  I'm gonna be the one whose hunting out with you
  And when Cat's diving yeah you know its gonna be
  That cray gravy will be just for you

  But I would walk 500 miles
  And I would walk 500 more
  Just to be the one who walked 1000 miles
  Just to be the one to come and be with you

  When I'm mustering, yeah you know I'm gonna be
  I'm gonna be the one that's up at 4.30am
  And when you're tailing, yeah you know I'm gonna be
  I'm gonna chop all those tails off with you

  When I'm out there, yeah you know I'm gonna be
  I'm gonna be the the one that's thinking about you
  And when I'm dreamin', well I know I'm gonna dream
  I'm gonna dream about the times when I'm with you.

  But I would drive 500 miles
  And I would drive 500 more
  Just to be the one who drove 1000 miles
  Just to see you once more standing by the door

  Da da-da da (da da-da da)
  Da da-da da (da da-da da)

  And I would drive 500 miles
  And I would drive 500 more
  Just to be the one who drove 1000 miles
  Just to see you once more standing by the door

   

  Tim was that man.

  He would walk a mile with me - he would walk 500 more just to be with me.

  He loved me, really really loved me.

  He gave me so much to live for.

  I know he lived for me and the children.

  We were his whole life.

  And now it feels so lonely to be walking alone.

  And now the tears are flowing again - so I am not scared right now.

   

  I became aware this morning that my two youngest had a bit of a fight last night.

  It is all because they have lost their Daddy and they don't know how to deal with it.

  I am going to have to find a way to help them grieve without directing the anger at each other.

  Precious darlings - so darned hard for us all but they are far too young to be without him.

   

  Anson came around at 8am and took Adina out to do some stock work.

  They spent the morning mustering and drenching sheep.

  She was delighted to go do something different.

   

  I had a spa and sat and prayed and cried.

  It is good to cry in the spa, the tears can be splashed away more easily.

   

  Murray had  a nice time talking with Shoshannah over the atlas.

  Good to help her geography along

  He is in a lot of pain right now with his wrist.

  So hard not being able to do anything to help him when he has been here to help me.

   

  Tim's bro called up.

  Really good to talk with him.

   

  The morning flew.

  Azzan was cooking up a bacon & egg breakfast so I followed up behind him.

  I cooked my own cuz he tends to be a bit more heavy handed with the oil than I like!

  I sat out on the verandah and ate my breakfast and talked with Murray.

  It was our last chance to really talk and it was good.

   

  Anson & Marah arrived, then Cat joined us with Jynx on her knee,

  followed by Seb, Phoebe & Thomas.

  Archie pig and Skip were creating much delight for the kids as they chased each other around the back lawn.

  He got a bath cuz he was covered in lice!
  

  

  

   

  We sat and talked while Seb & Thomas went out in the boat to get some mussels.

  Phoebe & I discussed the paint samples and got an idea of what we both like for the house exteriors.

  Then it was all go.

  Seb & Phoebe were taking Thomas and Murray to town.

  I was running about trying to find what Seb needed.

  Had to find Tim's wallet to get some information for Seb.

  Then it was last hugs and they were gone.

   

  Mahalia went around to help Anson clean out under his house.

  Cat and Shoshannah are building a glass house in the vege garden.

  Cat doing a measure up
  

  

   

   

  Azzan wanted to help make dinner so he made his famous huckleback potatoes.

  He also peeled the carrots, cooked and mashed them with chopped parsley.

  Mahalia top and tailed the butter beans Shanni had picked from the garden and they cooked them up with some peas.

   

  I made a cuppa and went to my room to have a rest.

  I found Tim's wallet again and went through it and ended up crying and crying.

  I was so weary, but not sleepy.
  

  I just lay and then talked a while with Nathan on the phone.
  

  Then Sandra called and we had a good chat.
  

  Cried some more.
  

  And she made me laugh so it was all good.
  

  I got up to see if the children had dinner under control.
  

  Gave Mahalia & Adina the recipe for Pear Ginger Sponge and left them to go to it while I chatted with Chrissy.
  

  More tears.
  

  And then as I was talking to her an email arrived into my Inbox.
  

  From a friend who was sending me a photo of Tim that had been taken only just two weeks before he was killed.
  

  I was so delighted
  

  It is the most beautiful photo of him.
  

  So clear of his face and so natural.
  

  I cannot thank you enough Harry & Edith for sending it to me
  

  

   

   

  Because Azzan cooked dinner he had to serve it.
  

  We were not allowed to help
  

  Leann cut up the chicken that Bedelia had brought in yesterday - thanks Bedelia xx
  

  Azzan served everything up so nicely
  

   

  Leann added fresh basil leaves to each plate as our token fresh greens
  

  

  Lovely colourful meal - good work Azzan!
  

   

   Meanwhile on the other side of the bench Adina & Mahalia were making dessert.
  

   

  And after we had finished the first course we at this.

   

  It was delicious - great cooking girls!!

   

  I was quite weary tonight and needed the children to get off to bed.
  

  Even though they all knew they had to get up early tomorrow for an early muster with Anson they were mucking about.
  

  But I also saw they needed me.
  

  So I went off to my room and let them get themselves ready for bed and then Shoshannah came in to say goodnight.
  

  We ended up lying on my bed having a cuddle and a D&M.
  

  Then I thought that maybe I should show them a video I had been sent yesterday.
  

  It is by the Skit Guys and is called 'Mourning Booth'.
  

  It was a really good thing to do, it opened some doors so we could talk.
  

  After a big hugging session I sent Azzan off to bed and Shoshannah went too.
  

  I had a lovely time with Mahalia.
  

  We talked, and hugged and cried.
  

  She keeps waiting for her Daddy to walk down the hall to say goodnight.
  

  Just like we all think he is out on the hills and is coming in late for dinner.
  

  His presence was so huge that he surrounds us here in everything we see and do.
  

   

   

  Cat & Leann were soaking in the spa when I finally came to bed.
  

  Nice to see them steaming and relaxing
  

   

  I suggested she might like to come sleep with me tonight but she decided to stay in her bed cuz she is listening to a story cd.
  

  I had no sooner hopped back into bed than Barbara called me up.
  

  It is just 18 months since she lost Craig so we had a lot to talk about.
  

  She is coming down to see me soon which will be really nice.
  

   

  The house is quiet now.
  

  Time for sleep.
  

  Thankfully these nights I am so tired that I don't have too much trouble falling asleep.
  

  The tears still fall, but it's okay.
  

   

  My message for tonight has just arrived from Eilidh.
  

  'Tonight you are safety tucked away in the comfort of His wing. Rest.'

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

  • 12:47 pm
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