April 10, 2013

• Wednesday 10th April

   

   

   

  I really did intend on getting showered and dressed today.

  But it turned into yet another pj day.

  I was up and doing stuff, but just never quite made it into day clothes.

  I was sposed to be seeing our skipper but he text to say he wasn't coming, so less incentive.

  I had no one to see and no place to go, so whatever!

  It was good to have a chat with Sally.

  We hadn't caught up in a wee while.
  

  Then Jan called to talk too.
  

  So I wallowed on my pillows and enjoyed catching up with them.

  Mahalia brought me in this wee present.
  

  Sweet girl
  

  

   

  Shoshannah spent most of her day with her head buried in her book.

  That was when she wasn't out doing her birds and watering the glasshouse.

  She also cooked up pies for lunch and made dinner, and lit the woodstove.

  Mahalia & Azzan just did what they had to.

  It was quite cool in the afternoon so I got Mahalia to light the living room fire.

  Azzan brought in the wood.

  I managed to get both of them to do some music practise.

  It is really hard to motivate myself let alone them, so I do understand, but I do need to try and keep them going.

   

  I spent most of the day trying to sort paperwork.

  Loads of long emails from lawyers needing information, but reading them is doing my head in.

  Phone calls with accountants etc.

  I just keep thinking that one day soon they will finally get it all sorted.

  Also can't help wondering actually how much it is all going to cost to get everything finalised??
  You think you have things under control and then realise how much isn't when something like this happens.

  Then amongst it all I find out that there are permits/licenses that are about to expire, so I then have to sort them and get the applications underway - more damned paperwork and phone calls.

  Also, had to bring myself to start sorting out what to do about the Safari.

  There is registration and RUC's owing to us because it was written off, so more phone calls to find out what to do and what forms to fill out,  and who to pay what money to, to apply for our money back, and how to get the plates changed to my new vehicle and how to get them renewed etc etc etc 

  It just never ends

   

  In amongst the boring stuff I received some lovely texts, phone calls and emails from dear friends who 'just call to say I love you and I am thinking of you' - I really appreciate each and every one of you who bothers to take the time to do that.
  

  It is heartwarming to know I have friends who don't think I have to get over this in a hurry, who encourage me to take time to grieve, and who are walking with me and the kids for the long term.
  

  It means so much.
  

  Thank you xxxx
  

   

  I have also been blown away by the response to the Country Calendar programme.
  

  I have been receiving emails and messages from all over the world.
  

  From strangers, from distant relatives, etc.
  

  It is amazing how that short programme has touched people so much that they take the time to find out how to reach out to us.
  

   

   

  I decided that I needed to get something practical done around the place.

  So after lunch I asked the kids if they would help me.

  We started sorting my room.

  I had a pile of Tim's clothes left to go through.

  Mahalia really wanted something to hang on to.

  She smelled her way through everything trying to smell her Daddy.

  But nothing does and nothing will do ever again.

  She tearfully took a couple of his shirts

  Shoshannah helped me decide what to keep and what not too.

  We bagged up stuff to pass on and then she hung up my clothes for me.

   

  We shifted Tim's set of drawers out into the living room.

  When I came to Port Ligar I found two sets of drawers being used in the workshop.

  They were covered in grotty paint and oils etc.

  I got them stripped down and renovated back to their original glory.

  Tim and I have used them ever since.

  They are lovely old solid pieces of furniture, unlike the new cruddy lightweight stuff you get today that falls to bits in 5 minutes.

  I have loaned Tim's drawers to Marah for her baby clothes cuz I know she will look after them

  This is Tim's set.

  I love the handles and key hole decorations.

  

  And this is mine - still in use!

  

   

  Graham popped in for a cuppa after work.

  It was good to talk.

  I have been feeling rather overwhelmed with things so he has offered to come help do some fix-it jobs for me in the morning.

  So I will have good cause to get up and get dressed and deal with my day!!
  

   

  Then we snuggled down on the sofas to watch 'The Mentalist' while eating our dinner.

  The girls had some long phone conversations with their girlfriends while I was putting Azzan to bed.

  I finally found the strength to actually read him a story.

  That was always Tim's 'job' and up until tonight I have only just managed to hug and tuck in the kids.

  It sounds stupid to have to gather strength to just read a story, but it really has been like that.

  And he was ready for me to read to him too, so it was all good.

  I prised the girls off the phones and out of the bathrooms and had our goodnight hugs.

  It is getting to the stage where I just cannot wait up for them to be in bed so I crash into my bed and they come say goodnight to me

   

  I have momentary conversations in my head with Tim as I am getting ready for bed.

  Mostly - 'Why Timmy? Why? Why? Why?

  I can't do this alone.

  It is just not fair.

  This is just way too hard.'

  

   

  I was too tired to blog or watch a movie, so I read a few pages of my book and then turned off the light.

  Problem is that my brain doesn't switch off with the light.

   

   

   

   

   

  • 4:04 pm
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