I was woken at 5:30am by the children quietly getting up and ready to go mustering with the others.

Anson said he would be around at 6:30am so they were up breakfasting and getting themselves organised in plenty of time.

They had nearly half an hour up their sleeves while they waited for the older ones to come!

The sounds coming from the living room were of Shoshannah playing piano and then singing her special song on the guitar.

Mahalia playing her harp and coughing her horrid cough that she just cant seem to throw off at the moment.

Azzan came in to give me a morning hug.

He had his bag with water bottle and a Vegemite sandwich all prepared for his big morning walk.

 

Anson came at 6:30am and it was all scurry to get shoes and jackets and leave.

For some reason Azzan decided it was the right time to change his plain black shoe laces and put in the glow in the dark ones.

Maybe he figured that has it was still dark he might be more easily seen out on the hills

 

Adina was trying to finish her cup of tea when Mahalia exclaimed -  'Wwoofers book photo Mum!'

So poor Adina who was telling me how tired and awful she looks in the morning had to smile for the camera

I thought she looked pretty good for that hour of the day actually!

 

When Cat came down to the house she had found Jynx had thrown up and it was totally disgusting.

She nearly threw up herself 

I love her face as she was retelling the yuck!

 

Azzan & Mahalia gave me lots of 'I love you Mum' hugs before they ran up to the truck.

And then they were off to muster Charlie's and Rabbit's Blocks..

 

And I went back to bed with the cup of herb tea Shoshannah had made for herself and left on the table!

I planned to have a shower but some how never quite got to it.

Phillipa called me and we ended up talking for hours.

Then of course there were several answer phone messages to reply to so I ended up on the phone for quite some time.

The musterers all arrived back for lunch.

Shoshannah took this lovely photo of Adina and Tim's dog Sky.

 

There were several sleeping bodies lying about as they recovered.

I was chuckling because once I had finished with the phone Azzan was on it and talking with Jack.

I could hear him talking but couldn't see him and then I found him tucked in under my art desk

 

This afternoon the glass house building continued.

(Photos from Shoshannah's camera - I have also added a few of her photos to the past few blog entries tonight)

Adina, Azzan & Mahalia moved the pruned blackcurrant bushes to a new plot over the fence while Cat, Leann & Shoshannah constructed the framework.

The new blackcurrant garden.

Shoshannah lets her young chicks free range in the vege garden because they eat all the bugs and don't do much damage.

Skip & Archie were onsite too - may as well make the circus complete!

They do actually stop sometimes!

Tim used to do this trick with his pigs.

If you rub or tickle along their belly they flop over on their sides in utter bliss!

 

 

About all I managed to do was to get several loads of washing underway and make myself some lunch and then I went back to bed.

I ended up falling asleep while watching 'Castle'.

So I had to restart the episode when I woke up to see what I had missed.

Turned out I had missed all but the beginning credits!!

Must have been tired.

I was feeling really flat this afternoon.

Had a lovely phone call from Paula.

Then later in the day I had to make some business calls.

It is really hard to call up a business and say, 'well, actually I have to ask you to delete Tim's name or card from your files because he is dead.'

The other end of the phone goes quiet, changes tempo, the person on the other end changes from brisk & business like to nice and it makes it really difficult for me to hold it all together.

And all because of a stupid farm card

 

I had to call another person in Auckland that we have been dealing with for many years.

I couldn't tell him to start with so just listened to his conversation as he filled in all the information that Anson was wanting to know.

Then it was like, 'well, actually, Glen, I have something I have to tell you....'

And then I have to cope with his shock and inability to deal with it all.

 

I don't want to have to deal with all of this but practicalities of life go on and so I have to too.

 

Then I checked my emails and there was a message from a homeschooling internet friend in the USA telling me that a group of them had gathered up some money and were sending it to me via paypal, and could I please check my account.

I cannot believe the generosity of people that I don't even really know.

It is a mind blowing blessing.

You Weaver ladies know who you are and I just want to thank you so very very much.

 

There was a wonderful article in the local newspaper today.

I was so proud of Anson.

Wonderful photo of him too

 

Mahalia is really struggling and is wanting photos of her with her Daddy.

If anyone has any please please email them to me.

I am finding a few.

For some reason there are not a lot of recent ones with just her and her Dad.

She is wanting/needing to make herself a scrapbook.

I have an online voucher to make a small book so would love some really nice photos for her.

She found a few photos she liked tonight and I dragged a couple of Facebook that I had posted a while back and we made a montage to go in a picture frame that she bought in town.

She was happy

 

 

 

 The sky was black and stormy to the east tonight but the sun was shining around the bay.

It was beautiful.

 

 

Tonight Cat & Leann made a salmon pie for dinner.

I was so not hungry so just had a small amount of mashed carrots and dessert.

I was sitting at the table while they were all joshin' about and the tears wouldn't stop wellin' up.

I had to leave the table a couple of times.

Had a good cry in my room.

It is just two weeks tonight since I got the awful news.

And tonight it is all just too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I slept well last night.

I was so tired my head his the pillow and I was out like a light.

I went to bed feeling a bit scared.

I felt like there were no more tears to cry and I don't want to stop them.

If they stop then it feels like I am moving on and leaving my Timmy behind.

And that scares the pants off me.

But I woke this morning at 5am and have been sitting here in the peace of the early morning reading through messages that have been sent over the past weeks - actually I really hate that too - weeks... it still feels like days.

But time is moving on and it is now moving into the 3rd week since that terrible day.

This morning as I read the messages and look at photos I find the tears well up and I am strangely comforted by them.

 

My dear friend Eilidh has been sending me supportive and encouraging wee emails along the way.

I just found this poem she sent after the funeral.

It is so lovely.

I really see Tim in those words.

He did walk the mile with me.

O who will walk a mile with me
Along life's merry way?
A comrade blithe and full of glee,
Who dares to laugh out loud and free,
And let his frolic fancy play,
Like a happy child, through the flowers gay
That fill the field and fringe the way
Where he walks a mile with me.

And who will walk a mile with me
Along life's weary way?
A friend whose heart has eyes to see
The stars shine out o'er the darkening lea,
And the quiet rest at the end o' the day,--
A friend who knows, and dares to say,
The brave, sweet words that cheer the way
Where he walks a mile with me.

With such a comrade, such a friend,
I fain would walk till journeys end,
Through summer sunshine, winter rain,
And then?--Farewell, we shall meet again!
-Henry Van Dyke

 

Then as I read I was thinking of the song that Bri parodied at the graveside, 'I would walk 500 miles'.

She changed 'walk' to 'drive' cuz Dad drove everywhere in his beatup farm truck.

When I'm grubbing, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one that's grubbing next to you.
And when I'm fishing, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one who's fishing next to you.

But I would grub 500 tawhinnys
And you would grub 500 more
Just to be the ones who grubbed 1000 tawhinnys
So they would be on the farm no more

When I'm hunting, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one whose hunting out with you
And when Cat's diving yeah you know its gonna be
That cray gravy will be just for you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the one who walked 1000 miles
Just to be the one to come and be with you

When I'm mustering, yeah you know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the one that's up at 4.30am
And when you're tailing, yeah you know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna chop all those tails off with you

When I'm out there, yeah you know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the the one that's thinking about you
And when I'm dreamin', well I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna dream about the times when I'm with you.

But I would drive 500 miles
And I would drive 500 more
Just to be the one who drove 1000 miles
Just to see you once more standing by the door

Da da-da da (da da-da da)
Da da-da da (da da-da da)

And I would drive 500 miles
And I would drive 500 more
Just to be the one who drove 1000 miles
Just to see you once more standing by the door

 

Tim was that man.

He would walk a mile with me - he would walk 500 more just to be with me.

He loved me, really really loved me.

He gave me so much to live for.

I know he lived for me and the children.

We were his whole life.

And now it feels so lonely to be walking alone.

And now the tears are flowing again - so I am not scared right now.

 

I became aware this morning that my two youngest had a bit of a fight last night.

It is all because they have lost their Daddy and they don't know how to deal with it.

I am going to have to find a way to help them grieve without directing the anger at each other.

Precious darlings - so darned hard for us all but they are far too young to be without him.

 

Anson came around at 8am and took Adina out to do some stock work.

They spent the morning mustering and drenching sheep.

She was delighted to go do something different.

 

I had a spa and sat and prayed and cried.

It is good to cry in the spa, the tears can be splashed away more easily.

 

Murray had  a nice time talking with Shoshannah over the atlas.

Good to help her geography along

He is in a lot of pain right now with his wrist.

So hard not being able to do anything to help him when he has been here to help me.

 

Tim's bro called up.

Really good to talk with him.

 

The morning flew.

Azzan was cooking up a bacon & egg breakfast so I followed up behind him.

I cooked my own cuz he tends to be a bit more heavy handed with the oil than I like!

I sat out on the verandah and ate my breakfast and talked with Murray.

It was our last chance to really talk and it was good.

 

Anson & Marah arrived, then Cat joined us with Jynx on her knee,

followed by Seb, Phoebe & Thomas.

Archie pig and Skip were creating much delight for the kids as they chased each other around the back lawn.

He got a bath cuz he was covered in lice!

 

We sat and talked while Seb & Thomas went out in the boat to get some mussels.

Phoebe & I discussed the paint samples and got an idea of what we both like for the house exteriors.

Then it was all go.

Seb & Phoebe were taking Thomas and Murray to town.

I was running about trying to find what Seb needed.

Had to find Tim's wallet to get some information for Seb.

Then it was last hugs and they were gone.

 

Mahalia went around to help Anson clean out under his house.

Cat and Shoshannah are building a glass house in the vege garden.

Cat doing a measure up

 

 

Azzan wanted to help make dinner so he made his famous huckleback potatoes.

He also peeled the carrots, cooked and mashed them with chopped parsley.

Mahalia top and tailed the butter beans Shanni had picked from the garden and they cooked them up with some peas.

 

I made a cuppa and went to my room to have a rest.

I found Tim's wallet again and went through it and ended up crying and crying.

I was so weary, but not sleepy.

I just lay and then talked a while with Nathan on the phone.

Then Sandra called and we had a good chat.

Cried some more.

And she made me laugh so it was all good.

I got up to see if the children had dinner under control.

Gave Mahalia & Adina the recipe for Pear Ginger Sponge and left them to go to it while I chatted with Chrissy.

More tears.

And then as I was talking to her an email arrived into my Inbox.

From a friend who was sending me a photo of Tim that had been taken only just two weeks before he was killed.

I was so delighted

It is the most beautiful photo of him.

So clear of his face and so natural.

I cannot thank you enough Harry & Edith for sending it to me

 

 

Because Azzan cooked dinner he had to serve it.

We were not allowed to help

Leann cut up the chicken that Bedelia had brought in yesterday - thanks Bedelia xx

Azzan served everything up so nicely

 

Leann added fresh basil leaves to each plate as our token fresh greens

Lovely colourful meal - good work Azzan!

 

 Meanwhile on the other side of the bench Adina & Mahalia were making dessert.

 

And after we had finished the first course we at this.

 

It was delicious - great cooking girls!!

 

I was quite weary tonight and needed the children to get off to bed.

Even though they all knew they had to get up early tomorrow for an early muster with Anson they were mucking about.

But I also saw they needed me.

So I went off to my room and let them get themselves ready for bed and then Shoshannah came in to say goodnight.

We ended up lying on my bed having a cuddle and a D&M.

Then I thought that maybe I should show them a video I had been sent yesterday.

It is by the Skit Guys and is called 'Mourning Booth'.

It was a really good thing to do, it opened some doors so we could talk.

After a big hugging session I sent Azzan off to bed and Shoshannah went too.

I had a lovely time with Mahalia.

We talked, and hugged and cried.

She keeps waiting for her Daddy to walk down the hall to say goodnight.

Just like we all think he is out on the hills and is coming in late for dinner.

His presence was so huge that he surrounds us here in everything we see and do.

 

 

Cat & Leann were soaking in the spa when I finally came to bed.

Nice to see them steaming and relaxing

 

I suggested she might like to come sleep with me tonight but she decided to stay in her bed cuz she is listening to a story cd.

I had no sooner hopped back into bed than Barbara called me up.

It is just 18 months since she lost Craig so we had a lot to talk about.

She is coming down to see me soon which will be really nice.

 

The house is quiet now.

Time for sleep.

Thankfully these nights I am so tired that I don't have too much trouble falling asleep.

The tears still fall, but it's okay.

 

My message for tonight has just arrived from Eilidh.

'Tonight you are safety tucked away in the comfort of His wing. Rest.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up well before Azzan and spent time getting the past week summarized for my blog.

It has taken me a while to catch up.

I am thankful I can now just talk about today.

 

Leann is not well today.

Sounds like she has caught Mahalia's cold.

Look who turned up at the door this arvo.

Jynxie has been on walkabout and this is the first time we have seen him since Tim left us.

Here he is curled up on Tim's chair.

No-one else seems to want to sit on it at the moment so I guess he is taking his rightful place!

 

 

Shoshannah gave me some of her photos.

Adina went off to do some gardening after she had hung the washing.

Shoshannah and Azzan are both tired.

We are all tired.

Emotionally tired.

That is making us so incredibly physically tired.

Life just seems too hard right now.

Azzan is trying to process his grief.

I understand how his body is feeling.

Mine feels the same.

So tired.

 

I loaded Murray's photos on my laptop this arvo and when Cat came in I gave the laptop to her to see them and I fell asleep in the couch.

I was woken when Azzan jammed his finger in the fridge!

I made a cup of herb tea and hopped into bed to get the blogging finished.

It is now all caught up!

 

Cat & Adina picked lots of pears.

They did a big peeling session just before dinner so there are heaps to process tomorrow.

 

Bedelia & Steve popped out for a visit late this arvo, sorta on their way to their bay.

A bit of a round about way for them, but now they've actually ventured this far I am hoping they will come again soon when it is not quite so crazy busy.

I was actually on the computer and phone with Maria's mother booking flights for Maria & Shoshannah for the next holiday camps.

I have to take it really slow at the mo and make sure all the details are correct.

My brain is so mushy that it is not thinking straight.

Then no sooner had I finished the bookings then Seb arrived in the dinghy.

I sent Azzan down to see him which gave us a few minutes on our own.

Then Anson, Marah & Mahalia arrived.

Marah had a cute wee baby.

She has called him Archie.

They caught him in the gutter about half an hour from home.

So he is now sleeping in a crate by the fire and being bottle fed.

If he survives the night then he will undergo a bath and de-lice treatment etc!!

 

Anson, Marah & Mahalia went to the Rai Show on their way home from Nelson.

Anson called me up when they were an hour from home to say he had done really well in the Rai Challenge and the chopping events.

He said he did it for Dad

Azzan was sad he didn't get to go but I think it was best for him to just stay here with us this year.

 

 

While we were having dinner a heap of dolphins swam past.

They were jumping and playing.

Dinner was sculled fast.

Cat took Azzan & Adina out to swim with them and Shoshannah to take photos.

Azzan was so excited because he was able to touch one of the dolphins.

Here he is in the midst of them.

They had heaps of fun but it was too dark for many photos.

Cat said the dolphins were making massive flips and jumps and she was afraid that one would land in the dinghy!!

 

Lots of cuddles from kids tonight.

Some tension at the table between two youngest.

Needed to spend time sorting out some attitudes and emotions.

We all just need time.

Everyone is processing at different paces and in different ways.

Loads of tolerance and love necessary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up at 5am.

Got Mahalia up around 5:30am and then Sunni closer to 6am.

Anson arrived around to pick them up.

Sunni was flying standby back to Auckland.

Mahalia had an orthodontist appointment at 9:20am which he and Marah were taking her to for me.

I just could not face going to town at the moment.

I am so tired, and just so overwhelmed with everything.

Don't want to be around too many people.

It is just all too much.

So thankful for my kids for taking charge and helping me through this right now.

They are all feeling pain too, I know, we are all grief stricken, but they all in their own ways are helping me and each other.

 

 

I had a long soak in the spa this morning.

Ended up having a couple of phone conversations whilst in there.

One to Ross from the police about Nathan's accident.

I am most concerned as to the lack of concern and care that was given him at the time.

Ross told me to get Nathan to write him about it and he will follow up for us.

 

 

Jesika, Evan & Nathan arrived over mid morning.

I got Nathan to write his letter to the police explaining what had not happened when he called them for help on Tuesday.

J&E were driving my Terrano out to Nelson.

From there I had a rental car organised for them to drive to Christchurch.

It was close to midday before they were all ready to go.

I hopped in the Terrano to turn it around and found the blasted battery was near flat and the engine wouldn't turn over.

Looks like I might have damaged it on Saturday when I left the lights on and flattened it totally.

I just felt so overwhelmed right then and sat with my head on the steering wheel and tried to breath through the threatening tears.

Sebastian had just arrived so he came to my rescue and got the jumper leads into action and soon had it started.

We waved goodbye to Jesika, Evan & Nathan.

Only a few months till their wedding and I am sure the time will fly, but it was a hard goodbye.

 

Phoebe stayed with me and we sorted through paint colour charts and called up the paint shop to order what samples we wanted as we are planning to paint the houses - be good to freshen them up before winter.

Then she went home in the dinghy - all by herself!

Seb has been teaching her how to use the outboard motor so this was her maiden voyage.

And she did good!

 

 

 

Cat took Murray, Leann & Adina out sailing in 'Vision' for the afternoon.

It was a glorious day - not a lot of wind but great for them to get out there.

They had a lovely time exploring the caves around Chetwode Islands.

Cat went diving and got a crayfish and they others caught some blue cod.

 

 

The mailboat came around 2pm.

I didn't think it was fair to let the 2 children face the crowds for the first time so I wandered down with them and sat in the sun on the end of the wharf while we waited.

It was very soothing and calming just sitting there with them.

Shoshannah echoed my thoughts when she said how lovely it was to be just us again for a wee while.

I love having people around, all the support and love is immensely appreciated, but right now I just need space and quiet.

My head is not coping with too much noise or any pressures.

 

 

The mailboat came and went.

Then Steve arrived with his boat full of men - they were staying at the Lodge.

He came up to see me.

He's stayed in our accommodation many times and I have just known him as one of the blokes, but his concern was heartfelt and his offer to help in anyway was taken and appreciated greatly.

 

The mailbag was full!

I had planned to have an arvo sleep as I was so tired but I ended up spending the rest of the day opening mail.

There were so many cards and presents.

It was all so overwhelming.

Too keep everything in order I wrote addresses etc on backs of each card as I opened it and then once I had done all of theat they are there for the family to look through.

My linear mind has to function in an orderly way or I lose the plot

 

Shoshannah put the chicken that Leann had pre-stuffed in the slow cooker for dinner.

Azzan fried up spuds for dinner and Shoshannah made a salad.

The yacht came home.

The girls fried up fresh cod.

I ended up organising Shoshannah's next holiday camp times and then booking Azzan & Mahalia in too.

We called up Sally to ask her something and I ended up lying on my bed talking, and sharing tears with her for ages.

Dinner was eaten and cleaned up and we were still talking.

It was good for us both.

 

Murray came to say goodnight.

His body was very tired and sore after the sailing trip.

I suggested he have a spa, so he did, and felt heaps better afterwards.

 

There was some dinner left in the oven for me so I added more to it as I was really hungry.

Then ended up talking for ages with Murray.

I finally took my dinner to my bed and watched an episode of 'Castle' while I ate.

I actually fell asleep and missed the end of it.

Snuggled myself down and was just drifting off when my we man came crawling in with me again.

He is needing me so much right now.

He is not being clingy as such but just wants to be near me.

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I stayed in bed most of the morning.

Spent a long time talking with Phillipa.

I am not finding it easy to make calls so calls from close friends are good.

The kids are fielding calls when they can so I can decide who I can manage to talk to at that moment

Sometimes I am fine but other times I just cannot do it.

 

 

I think Cat took the girls & Ross out grubbing again.

When I surfaced I discovered that Ross & Lenore were packed up and heading home.

Lisa & Tamara came and asked if they could have a ride to Havelock so they went off to pack their gear.

We talked some more while the girls got ready.

Thanks for being here you two - really love and appreciate your quiet, loving support.

 

Before they all left Cat took us up to show us her hut.

Lenore & I took a moment to sit quietly in the cool on her decking under the trees.

Love this backdoor area she has created.

This is looking up from where we were sitting.

There is an outdoor bath tucked in to the trees on the right - nice

Inside the girls were talking.

Adina, Lisa & Tamara - lovely lasses.

Cat & Murray at the entrance to her cave bed.

Outside, more chatting in the sunshine while Leann checked out their garden.

 

On the way down the path I found this flower.

It was just such a clear yellow and perfect set off amongst the dark foliage.

Ross & Lenore and the girls loaded into the car and we waved them off.

 

Michael spent the previous day and most of today getting my Safari out.

He used his digger and winched it up from tree to tree.

 

It was delivered to the top of our hill.

Here it is beside Tim's Safari, which has been parked up for the past year waiting for work to be done and Graham got going for us after the funeral.

Just a few slight differences now eh

The kids will strip it of what is still worth using - not that there is much I reckon.

But they wanted it back.

The main reason I wanted it gone from the site is because we have to drive past it each time we go out and I didn't want the reminder and the knowledge that it was still down there.

 

Everyone came over from Waterfall for dinner again.

It was their last night so I wanted to make the most of the time together.

I spent some time with Jesika & Evan talking over a few wedding plans.

It is all coming together well.

I had a long talk with Nathan as to what he should do and would like to do re going back to work.

He decided he wanted to go back with J&E the next day.

He has supportive friends, great workmates and bosses so I am sure he will be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anson & Murray headed out in the boat around 6:30am.

While Anson went hunting, Murray took the boat off and caught some fish.

Cat took a team out to grub weeds early in the morning.

 

I have been waking very early most days.

Had a spa once everyone had gone and then hopped back into bed.

Stayed there for some time.

Sunni came to chat with me.

That was good.

 

She has been amazing this past week.

It has been great to have her home.

The children have loved having time with her since we all arrived back.

She and kids walked around to Waterfall Bay.

 

Ross & Lenore are still here.

The just quietly get on with things.

The crew from Waterfall Bay came over to hang out later in the arvo.

 

I tried to do some banking online and get some bills paid.

I got to one invoice issued between our two companies and just couldn't get my head around something so simple as who was paying and who was receiving.

I called Ross to ask him for help.

He was in a very jovial mood and was telling me that he was meeting so many folk that knew us and that he also knew someone who had been in the church up in the 'crow's nest'.

Apparently that person did a head count of all in the building, and the tally for those at Tim's funeral service was 1050 people.

I cannot get my head around that!

I really wasn't in a state to be able to talk about anything as I just kept on crying so decided to talk later about the banking issue.

Maybe paying bills is not a good idea right now!!

Hope the people we owe money to will understand 

 

 

I asked for all the children and their partners to come for dinner and then have a meeting with me afterwards.

I had things I needed to say and things we needed to talk about.

Murray sat in with us to support me as I was finding it very difficult to hold my emotions in check.

I told them all what their Dad and I had been working on re the future of the farm.

What we had been putting in place etc.

They were unanimous that his plans should be adhered to so we will continue on

I was just sorry that Bri & Nick couldn't be there with us but we will talk soon - okay??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I was awake quite early on Tuesday morning.

The bay was still and peaceful.

 

My little man was sound asleep beside me and didn't stir for ages after I left.

 

Anson said he would take me around to the crash site so we left home around 7am.

 

If you don't want to see anything re that then please do not read any further on this page.

 

He wanted to go early before it got hot as it was quite a scramble up and down the steep over grown hillside.

Sunni & Shoshannah came with us.

Bri, Nick, Murray and Cat followed.

I got a bit anxious as we were driving cuz Anson was doing the normal farmers thing of checking on stock below the road as he drove

Even though it has been 29 years since we had our landrover accident, the events of this past week have not done anything to help my fear of 'the edge'.

 

Anson directed Shanni, me and Sunni to walk down the overgrown Power Board track until we got to the power pole.

He walked straight down.

We followed Shoshannah as she bush whacked through the undergrowth and made a path for us to follow.

We came out to a clearing and could see Murray and Cat across the valley coming down the other side.

 

Broken foliage just above the vehicle.

 

The Safari had come to rest against some solid manuka.

The kids tested it and found it was secured and not going any further in a hurry before they ventured in to have a closer look.

There were personal items I really wanted to get back and they found everything.

Tim's brand new English leather sandals that I had just bought him - never worn till he was leaving home that afternoon.

Cat & Anson found his briefcase.

I was very thankful for that - it contained all his stuff - wallet, phone, razor etc.

I had a good look around and then just sat back and let the kids go for it.

It was good to see despite it being hard.

Cat couldn't believe it - she found the indicator inside the rear door!

This is what still amazes me, confuses me, confounds me,

The number plate was so specific and undamaged.

It wouldn't have taken a rocket scientist to get this sorted!

Surely they could've located us straight away and I could've been right on the spot to identify him.

I am bewildered that the so called experts got it all so incredibly wrong on the day.

My neighbours were called out to the accident when it happened.

But once the emergency crew arrived they were not allowed down to the vehicle and were brushed aside and not spoken to.

If they had've been, they would've identified the vehicle and Tim immediately and I would not have had to go through the hell I did that night.

I am so angry and upset about how it all happened.

It still would've been traumatic, but not as traumatic as finding out via the newspaper!

Bri found the front plate bent in half but managed to straighten it and get them both off for me.

 

This is enough photos for now.

You get the idea - it was a mess!

The only blessing I can cling to is that they said he would've been killed immediately so the rest of the ride down he wouldn't have suffered.

 

Michael arrived at the site.

He had been sent by the insurance company to assess how to get the vehicle out.

It was really good to talk with him about it all.

We decided we had been there long enough so began the scramble back up the hill.

I only made it up through pulling on trees and Michael and Bri's hand supporting and pulling me over the unstable ground and through the foliage.

We met up with Jeff who owns the land on the way up.

I was so pleased to stop while they talked and tossed around ideas of how to retrieve the vehicle.

I was exhausted.

So from the top we could see the large manuka it was stuck against.

It to the right of the valley in the shady part and has the sun touching the top of the bush, in the centre, just a couple of centimetres above the foliage at the bottom of photo.

There is a pine tree just a tad beyond it with the sun hitting it's top branches too.

 

While the others talked at the top I wandered along to the place where Tim had gone over.

Murray carried his boots up and left them at the cairn Bri had built.

 

Then I sat where his wheels left the road, just sat, and cried, and thought some more.

 

We eventually piled back into our vehicles and headed home.

 

Back at the house Azzan was baking chocolate cakes.

He had been asking to make one for days so he finally got to do it and made it very luscious indeed!

 

And there was a corn shucking happening.

Everyone was making short work of the bins of corn Sebastian had brought home.

Most of it went into the freezer.

I sat and enjoyed it fresh for lunch while we watched the tribute video Christian had made.

That was good.

Bri, Nick and Abby left after lunch with promises to return at Easter.

Bri got to be the tallest in this photo - the others bent their knees!!

 

 

Nathan left for town soon after.

Dave & Nicky came over.

Dave gave me another wonderful massage.

I went to sleep on the floor for ages.

When I woke, they had left for home.

Pat & Phillipa came to say goodbye then too.

It was time for them to go back to their own families.

I knew that but I was still very sad.

Phillipa has been a rock to me this past week and I felt very vulnerable losing her physical support right then.

It was all okay though.

Even though I feel like I am living in a bubble of numbness I know that life has to carry on.

 

Just after 5:30pm I received a call from Nathan.

He was using Dave's phone.

He carefully and gently broke it to me that he had put his bosses car over the bank just before Canoe Bay.

He had gotten caught in loose gravel and lost control.

Pat later assured me that he was doing nothing wrong - it was just an accident.

He was alright, unhurt, but the car was somewhere around 10-15m down the bank.

He had been saved from plunging to the beach by two large native trees!

Oh Lord, how much more can I take?

 

I actually took his phone call quite calmly.

I guess I am in so much shock at the moment, nothing else is altering my emotional state because it is so flat.

I was very concerned for him, but knowing Nicky & Dave were there and that he was okay made it alright.

He had called 111 but had not gotten much response to his pleas for help.

He had no money on his phone and poor reception in that area so had to sit on the side of the road for an hour and a half waiting for someone to come help him.

 

Anson then got hold of him and firmly told him that he had to come home and not return straight to town.

Eventually we got word that our neighbours, Sandra & Herb had come by and they were bringing him home.

We felt it wise that he stayed with Seb & Phoebe where it was quieter.

Michael came and stayed with the vehicle until the tow/salvage truck arrived.

He called me and suggested that I take the keys off my boys for a couple of weeks

 

I cannot remember what else happened that night.

Leann has taken control of the kitchen and the wwoofers are doing chores so I don't have to think about anything.

I can't think about anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nathan had brought up Tim's rifles.

He wanted us to shoot a volley in Tim's honour.

So we did!

I was first.

The last time I fired a rifle I didn't know much about anything let alone the sizes of them.

31 years ago, in a state of boredom one day, I picked up one of Tim's rifles, which was hanging at the back door  and fired it at something.

Unbeknownst to me it was a 270, not the .22 which I was used to using.

It kicked back and hit me between the eyes and split my forehead open!

 

So this time Nathan made sure I held it right and got it all set up for me.

It was loud!

Seb helped Azzan shoot his round.

Shoshannah, aiming straight and true.

Despite her very painful elbow Cat fired off her shots too.

All the other siblings had their turns.

And Nathan finished the tribute with his shots.

 

Special bros

Gorgeous sisters

Shoshannah with her special 'aunty/sis' Louisa

 

And then it was time to head home.

 

This photo makes me feel lonely.

I had to leave my Timmy up here.

I know it is only his body and he is not 'here'.

But I felt I was leaving a huge part of me behind.

 

We passed Al & Joan as they walked back to their car.

I cant thank Al from Tasman Funeral Care enough for all he has done to assist us over this time.

 

We had been up the hill in the hot sun for several hours and we were all very tired, hungry and thirsty so wasted no time in getting back home.

 

A late lunch was quickly thrown together and we spent the afternoon relaxing and socialising.

I was so thrilled to find the 3 wwoofers had taken good care of things in our absence and had cleaned the house.

It was sparkling clean and a pleasure to come home to.

Thanks Lisa, Tamara and Adina

 

All the beautiful flowers had been unloaded and arranged around the house.

 

 

The guys took a heap of folk out fishing later on which was good.

Everyone pitched in and had food etc under control.

I didn't have to think.

I couldn't think.

I avoided our bedroom.

I didn't want to go there until I had to.

 

Then when I did, it was weirdly okay, but at the same not not okay.

I just hopped into bed.

I lay there and sobbed into my pillow.

It was empty.

But not for long.

At 11pm, a wee person came in and said he needed to sleep with me so he crawled in and cuddled up and we slept.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we came over the top and through the bush this is the sight that greeted us.

What a glorious view.

 

We drove down to join the others.

 

My first need was to visit Cypress's wee grave with Phoebe & Seb and Dave & Nicky.

If there is anything good about today - it is that it doesn't feel lonely to have Cyrpess up here on his own anymore.

I took a panoramic shot from the top of the truck.

 

It took some maneuvering but the guys had it all sussed.

Using mussel ropes and planks they soon had it all in place.

Tim has supported so many in his lifetime - I like this photo of everyone supporting him.

This was the hardest thing.

 

Murray gave me a shovel.

I started to shovel some dirt.

Then I got mad, and angry and shoveled a heap more.

How could he do this?
How could he leave us?

It is so so hard and so unfair!

Murray took away the shovel and just held me tight while I cried.

 

It was all way too hard for me and the children at this point and I said they had to cover him up - now!

So the guys got their shovels into action and went for it.

They shoveled and shoveled.

Some swapped around but some just kept at it with dogged determination.

This was a very cathartic time for us all, but the men especially.

 

 

I don't think I saw Martin stop to take a break in the whole 50 minutes it took to fill in the grave.

Despite his age and his infirmities he was 100% there for his brother and the rest of us.

Bri set about to gather up large rocks to place around the edge.

Most of which had to be dug out of the hill further away and lugged over here.

She had also brought up this large slab of timber as a 'headstone'.

 

My broken hearted wee girl.

 

I love this photo of Marah & Anson - they look like they are on a mission!

And finally the work is done.

A salute!

 

We gathered around, Bri got out her guitar and sang a parody of '500 miles' - words she had adapted especially for her Dad, which got us all singing & laughing!

We talked, reminisced and prayed and and remembered a wonderful man.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Revelation 21:4

 

 

 

 

 

 

Safely back on terra firma.

It had been a wonderful flight - only half an hour compared with a 3 hour drive.

I want one of these machines!!!

We all sorta milled around and talked

then the guys carried Tim to his truck.

The helicopter could've landed at the grave site but the Anson wanted to take his Dad for one last drive on the farm in his old beatup farm truck.

 

A last family photo.

So damned hard - family photos are not going to be complete anymore

 

I just wanted to be as close as possible to Tim until the very end so I rode up top with hi.

 

My two extra daughters.

I am so grateful for these girls.

My boys have chosen well.

I just love the connection in this photo.

 

Anson - my lovely lovely eldest son, such a precious young man, love you so much!

 

We set off on our journey along the airstrip.

Some walked the whole way

Some drove

 

The vehicles were all parked up in the tailing yards and everyone walked from there.

 

Bri, David & Sasha - doing Tim proud.

Grubbing tauhinau as they walked

Bri hopped on board with me as we got further along.

 

In the past I have always walked this part of the farm tracks.

But today I hung on tight as we wended our way up the hill and over the bumps and hollows, and trusted my son to get us there safely.

And he did!!