The mornings here are very quiet in the kitchen now.

Tim had the run of the kitchen in the mornings.

I used to stay right out of the way!

That was my time in the spa and office.

Tim would make the porridge, the bread, stew up fruit if there was none, fed his cats, talk & breakfast with whichever child was around early enough to spend that time with their Dad, usually it was Shoshannah.

Now it is too quiet

 

Mahalia wanted to make jellies for her birthday dinner so she got them made after breakfast.

Cat, Leann & Adina spent the morning doing some much needed repairs and maintenance to the woolshed.

 

Rainy & Chad left this morning.

We really did enjoy their company and help and hope that we will meet up with them again sometime in the future.

Leann came to say goodbye to them as she was passing through.

Azzan took my camera up to say goodbye to them.

There were some rather 'interesting' photos on there when he returned.

I selected just two lovely ones from the line up!

 

Leann has been spending a lot of time in the kitchen.

In fact it is mainly her and Shoshanah who are providing the meals around here these days.

I really appreciate her quiet and efficient help.

I am really struggling with getting back into cooking.

 

Mahalia picked me this beautiful rose.

She commented that he Dad would always pick me the small buds because they would last longer as they took time to open slowly.

Lovely that they remember little things like that.

Several phone calls took up my morning.

Sitting out on the deck, the sun was burning hot through my jeans.

Different sort of temperatures to the past couple of days.

 

Had a really emotional day.

The tears were very close to the surface all day.

 

I had some visitors this morning.

Sandra and Phil zipped around in their boat and had a coffee with us just before midday.

Marah walked round then too so we had a good catch up.

Love Marah's new dress - so pretty

 

Shoshannah decided to make spinach and feta patties.

She doubled the mixture and it made heaps.

I suggested that instead of standing there for hours cooking them as individual fritters, she could bake them in the oven in quiche dishes.

So she did.

Much quicker and easier.

And they were good.

 

Marah & Mahalia went down to the beach.

I headed off to bed for a rest.

M&M came back and lay on the bed with me.

They had sat and written notes to Tim and scattered them on the waves.

A tender therapeutic thing to do.

We talked and cried together and talked about some of Tim's idiosyncrasies that made him special to us.

Mahalia went home with Marah for the night.

She was concerned about leaving me so left me a present.

A Little Miss Sunshine toy and a sweet note,

'Don't worry Mum everything will be okay love from Halia'

 

 

Graham arrived and brought in bins of tomatoes and beans and fruit.

We talked for a while, catching up on things while he had been away.

 

Azzan top and tailed beans for dinner while he watched a movie.

 

Leann & Cat chopped up tomatoes and onions to make tomato sauce.

It is bubbling away on the wood stove alongside a pot of pear paste in the making.

 

These are the gorgeous flowers Sandra brought round to cheer my day.

I love the dahlias - so gorgeous.

 

I have all the blankets on my bed already and tonight had to find a heatpack to warm up my feet.

I am not looking forward to long winter nights.

In my bed alone with nobody to keep me warm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I sat up in bed early this morning and typed up an assessment of some of our mussel lines in the hopes we can get some reaction and action.

Good job to start the day and get me fired up with enthusiasm!

I was anticipating a busy day processing vegetables.

But they didn't arrive last night so changes were made to the schedule.

I asked Adina to clean the ranch sliders in my bedroom.

They had gotten all damp and mildewy - so that kept her busy for a while and now I have lovely clean windows.

I actually made it through the shower before breakfast - amazing!

The weather has cooled down a tad so I had to rummage through my drawers to find some other clothing.

Found this top which really did say it all for me today!

 

Seb came over so I got him to check over the assessment I had typed out before I emailed it off.

Then Anson breezed in with groceries for me.

He and Marah had had a good couple of days in town.

All is good with the baby so they are happy.

 

I got Adina & Rainy to peel pears.

They did mountains of them so I decided that I really should preserve them.

Shoshannah had picked all the basil so had to wash it in preparation for making pesto.

The preserving jars were stored in the meatsafe and were all dusty so needed washing and then heating.

Rainy did that job for me while I got the seals etc all ready to go.

Shoshannah was lighting the fire for me so I could keep the jars warm etc.

It is a few seasons since I did any preserving so I had to stop and think it through for a moment.

Cat was trying to rebuild shelves at the same time.

So for a while it was rather chaotic in the kitchen as everyone was trying to do their jobs over top of others.

It looked a bit like we were playing 'Twister' 

Anyway, by lunch time I had all these jars done.

I was too tired to preserve anymore so when Leann started preparing to peel more fruit I canned that operation until tomorrow morning.

I had found Azzan sitting on his bed before lunch.
He was feeling flat and not wanting to do anything.

I suggested that he should take a dvd and quietly pop around to visit Marah.

So he did just that.

He came back later and told me he had helped her clean up the verandah and get lots of firewood in and then they were tired enough to sit and watch the movie with Mahalia.

 

The rest of the crew all went out grubbing weeds.

I went to bed, watched a dvd and slept.

Leann had organised dinner so we ate sometime after 7pm.

Then after dinner we introduced Rainy & Chad to our 'Celtic Women' and 'Celtic Thunder' dvds.

We are sad that they have to leave tomorrow.

 

I haven't spent much time in the study lately.

I have been doing most of my business/work on my laptop in my bed or at the kitchen table.

I had asked Cat not to empty the rubbish bin in there cuz I knew hoped there was a note from Tim in there that I really wanted to find.

Tonight I finally manged to empty the bin and go through all the rubbish.

I found it.

Right at the bottom.

Not too long ago Tim had gone away for a night or two and I had found this note on my pillow.

Of course it meant a lot to me then, but not enough to keep it

When I finally found it and reread the words I started to cry.

I am still crying.

Tim didn't write much so this is precious to me now.

 

 

Azzan was very huggy again tonight.

He has a wee cry each time I tuck him in.

Mahalia is choosing to sleep in Shoshannah's room.

 

Azzan just came in to see me.

He said he just needed another hug.

So we hugged and he looked at a photo Bri just posted on her FB wall of his Daddy taken 20 years ago with Phoebe beside him.

Never thought back then that she would be his precious daughter-in-law now!

Then he was okay to go back to bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, this morning I slept a little later, but that was only because I didn't go to sleep till about 1:30am.

After I had my spa I was in the bathroom and all of a sudden I had this really overwhelming feeling of the knowledge that this emptiness and aloneness is actually my reality from here on in.

I am trying really hard not to get into my normal 'busy' mode which has in the past covered the necessity to deal with pain in my life.

I am taking time, taking it slow, don't want to move on, but know I have to.

So am making movements forward to try and activate and not spend all the days wallowing.

3 weeks ago today, I had spent most of the day at the police station, trying to make sense of everything.

The surrealness of having to identify the body of my soulmate.

Coming to grips with the fact that he was gone - completely gone.

Still cannot comprehend that fact.

Only 3 weeks.

In one sense it feels like a life time already.

And in another it's barely a day.

Life is a blur.

But it is also a numb bubble of heightened clarity.

I can't cope with noise and fuss.

It is all just too much.

It echoes and rocks around in the space in my head and heart where Tim is supposed to be.

I am carrying on.

Taking hold of the reins of the businesses.

I can't let all Tim worked so hard for fall down around us.

So as we mourn and grieve we will also face reality.

We have to do this.

I have to do this.

 

 

Shoshannah had the fire going and a roast of mutton in nice and early.

She also got Chad and Rainy doing a few jobs while they waited for Seb.

Sebastian came over mid morning to get them and the water blaster.

Took them back to help clean The Lodge and water blast the house.

They had a great day over there.

This morning I could see that Seb is also under the same cloud of exhaustion, shock, bewilderment and confusion.

It is an exhausting thing.

All the family is suffering from it.

We are all carrying on as best we can, each in their own ways.

Shoshannah is needing to rest each afternoon but keeps busy for the rest of her day.

The younger children take solace in talking with their friends on the phone.

But we have to pick up the pieces and begin to put one foot in front of the other and begin to make some progress.

 

I sorted through a lot of cds today containing old photos.

Mostly of Bri as a baby as she had asked me to look for them.

I tried to upload them onto Tim's FB page but the internet was being stroppy so I had to give up.

Will try again next week while in town.

Shoshannah has been working her way through a lot of other cds and is finding some real treasures.

 

Noel came in to see me this arvo.

He had been doing some line assessments for me.

We had a long talk re the mussel farms and where to go from here.

It was good.

I was so tired when he left though that I put everything away and lay down to watch a dvd.

Don't know how much I saw though as I think I went to sleep a few times!

Came to around 6pm and Cat and crew had just arrived back.

Azzan carrying his stuff up to the house.

It was really lovely that Cat was able to take Mahalia & Azzan away for the couple of nights on the yacht.

They had a great time and came home really happy.

It had been quite windy so they slept ashore at Cat's friends place.

According to Azzan they are full on hippies

They have solar power.

Live very eco friendly out in the bush.

They had an outside bath with fire under it which they all made use of.

They had a bonfire on the beach and made a raft with a fire on it and let it float off out in to the darkness.

Then turned around to find their dinghy had drifted off out into the darkness too!

Oops!

Cat had to go for a fast search - thankfully it was found.

But it was also flipped over in a wind gust and the outboard motor got a dunking so will require cleaning in fresh water before she starts it up again.

The swimming with seals was apparently quite an adventure but when the seals got too friendly and began chewing on the side of the dinghy and nipping Azzan's butt Cat decided it was time to hi-tail outa there.

Azzan was telling us all at dinner about the glow in the dark water

I thought he was talking about phosphorescence but apparently in a small cave they went into there was a greeninsh glow to the water.

So basically, they had a great time - Thanks Cat for imparting and sharing life skills and experiences with your young siblings xxxx

 

As Cat & Leann were unloading I got a call from Milo who was coming into the bay in a 65' yacht.

I told him he could come use our mooring tonight as Seb has taken '88 South' up to Waterfall.

He has a few passengers on board.

Nice

 

Everyone enjoyed Shoshannah's delicious mutton roast and roast spuds, and mashed carrots.

Mahalia & Adina had caught cod on the way home so that was cooked up as well.

Lovely and fresh.

Rainy & Chad enjoyed that.

They had had a lovely day over at Waterfall with Seb & Phoebe.

Everyone was off to bed by 9pm.

I went up to say goodnight to Azzan.

He is so happy during the day but at night we have long hug sessions.

Tonight there were tears when we hugged.

Poor wee fella.

He is so brave.

Through his tears he tells me he loves me so so very much.

And then he said 'at least we still have Graham.'

Now I'm crying again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a glorious flat calm morning that I woke to today.

I was up at 6:15am and out into the spa.

Wallowed and watched some more of my dvd.

I wanted to be up and at'em with a bit more energy than I have had recently so I was dressed in good time today.

 

'Tardis' was working out on the lines near here - an idyllic work station this morning

Shoshannah decided to cook us a hearty breakfast.

Eggs, hash browns, toast & vegemite, onion rings, tomatoes, sausage, etc

She was complaining cuz there was no bacon!

It was huge - neither of us could finish it!

But it was very healthy - mine was smothered in wilted spinach, cheese and basil.

Sure set us up with a great start to our day.

Anson was around here early as he had some sheep to shear.

Shoshannah went to find her lamb and took it down to add to the number

I had asked the boys if they would come and have an around table business meeting with me.

So we were all set for 9:30am.

But Seb didn't arrive till 10 and by then Anson had taken off again to do more stock work.

It's like trying to muster seagulls around here sometimes!

Then in the midst of it all our two new wwoofers arrived.

They are a couple in the 50's from California.

Traveling NZ in a camper van on their honeymoon.

Lovely folk.

Anyway, I told them we were having a meeting so they went wandering for the rest of the morning.

The boys and I talked through a lot of things, before Anson & Marah had to leave for town.

Then Seb called up Noel and he brought 'Tardis' to the wharf and came and joined us.

We had a really good talk and got a lot of things sorted.

I am seeing that all the things Tim and I were implementing over the past year or so is now all falling into place.

Such a blessing.

Now we just have to quietly regain our strength and pick up the pieces.

We are all so very tired.

The shock has wiped us out that doing anything too major is exhausting.

I was feeling utterly wasted after Seb & Noel left so really wanted to go crash on my bed.

Ended up there for barely 5 minutes before I had to go to the study and do a heap of stuff there.

Liz called up for a chat which took me too dinner time.

Never really got back to bed until after dinner.

 

Shoshannah got Rainy & Chad to get some watering systems set up in the gardens so that kept them occupied for the afternoon.

She watched a dvd and then cooked dinner.

Roast chicken drumsticks and potatoes.

She also stuffed a marrow and it was delicious.

 

Shanni is busy sorting through all the old photos on cds and was finding some great ones of Tim.

Some I don't recall seeing before.

Anyway, after dinner I headed to bed and Shoshannah and I talked about setting up a Facebook page for all Tim's photos.

Then I ended up on the phone for a wee while and while I talked I saw that Bri had set up the page already.

Talk about like-mindedness!

Thanks Bri - it is great

So I have just had fun loading lots of photos on there.

I am sure there will be a heap more to come but it is now bed time so I am going to hit the pillow.

Trouble is when I stay up late I get hungry.

I am sitting here deliberating whether to have some shortbread from the tin stashed under my bed

or

should I venture to the study and open the delicious delectable Rosy Glow chocolates that Mary and David sent me

or should I whiz out to the kitchen and get a glass of water?
Such a difficult decision

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had mentally resolved that I would get up and get dressed and actually get something done today.

 

On waking I felt the need to actually just stay in bed for a while.

So I lay there and watched a few episodes of 'Brothers & Sisters'

Then all of a sudden it was 10am and Azzan was coming in to tell me that they were actually going to D'Urville.

He made it all sound so urgent, that they were about to leave right now.

So I piled out of bed and staggered out to the kitchen to say goodbye.

Only to find that they were still packing the yacht and waiting for muffins to bake.

 

It was indeed a glorious day - far better than the previous two, so in actual fact Leann being sick was a blessing as they got to go on a great day - not just a good day!

I watched from up here as Azzan and Cat loaded their gear onto 'Vision'.

Then the muffins were ready.

Azzan and Adina had made them - blackcurrant and chocolate chip.

They were wonderful.

Only problem was they had used some different flour that I had stashed in the pantry.

They didn't know it is not a strong bread flour, I only use it for baking cakes etc.

So the muffins rose beautifully and tasted wonderful, but they wouldn't be removed whole from the pan.

The had to be scooped out and eaten with a spoon or from a plate with fingers - yum

So, we got a banana box and I placed two of the muffins pans complete with muffins straight in and Azzan carried them off to the yacht like that.

They could then eat them from the pans as and when they wanted.

 

Nek minnit - I see them motoring away from the wharf.

Never even came up to say goodbye

Took them ages to see their mother standing forlornly on the deck waving farewell

 

Joy called up.

We had a long chat - the tears began flowing, can't seem to control the when and where of their appearance these days.

Then I saw a boat zooming into the bay.

It was Josh - I wasn't expecting him till after lunch - it was only 11:30am and I was still in my dressing gown - oops!

So Joy and I finished our conversations while Shoshannah went to greet our visitors.

I zipped quickly into the shower and when I finally made it into the kitchen Anson & Marah were here too.

We sat around talking and eating the rest of Azzan's muffins.

Was trying to tell Anson what Azzan had told me last night re his conversations with his Daddy - and the tears began again.

 

Cat emailed me some photos from the yacht.

This is Azzan holding some krill.

There are heaps around at present - must be our warmer water temperatures.

Then she sent me these.

Doesn't it look idyllic?

I love, love, love this photo of Azzan playing with a baby seal.

 

Josh and his friend left mid arvo.

Phoebe & Beth arrived up in the dinghy.

Phoebe is loving being able to use it - it is giving her freedom which is great.

She took Beth out fishing later on.

Anson cut up the 2 muttons Seb had killed.

Phoebe helped pack it up.

Then she and Beth left and I spent some time printing out some photos for Marah.

After they left I had fun making up a montage for Anson of him and his Dad.

Turned out really well.

Shoshannah cooked a special dinner for just her and me.

She made a delicious chicken drumstick stirfry/casserole which I had with boiled potatoes and salad and she had rice & salad.

While it was all cooking she took Sky for a walk and delivered the montage to Marah for me.

She didnt take long thankfully as we were both starving hungry.

Dinner was delicious.

We reclined on the couch and ate our meals while watching the first episode of Rosemary & Thyme.

Nicky gave me the dvd for my birthday and it was the first chance we had to watch it.

I love anything with Felicity Kendall so I figured it would be fun to watch.

Had a call from Paul needing to discuss business.

Then I got stuck into cleaning up the office desk.

Managed to make some room and then paid bills.

Feel like I have made a little progress today.

Went to say goodnight to Shoshannah and we ended up having a cry together.

She is feeling like me.

Cannot comprehend that her Dad is not here and is never doming home.

Just feels so unreal.

 

When he was here he unwittingly set boundaries for me, protected me from myself.

Now he is not here I am not going to sleep at night until late, I am not getting up in the mornings till late.

The drive and strive to please him and help him are gone.

I am also feeling jumpy and nervous when I hear noises outside.

It is not like me to be afraid like this.

I don't like it.

 

Shoshannah was looking through all the old cds of photos and found these two which I really like.

Thought I would share them to finish up here tonight on a happy note.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The children were all up around 5:30am.

I vaguely heard them quietly getting ready to leave.

Anson came for them at 6:30am.

I stayed sleeping a while longer.

Spent a while watching more of the series of 'Brothers & Sisters' and then had a spa.

I went out to the kitchen to find some food and spent some time clearing the bench while my toast cooked.

Then I wrestled with my mind and body.

My body was telling me that I needed to fall back into bed but my mind was saying that the kids were all out working hard and I really should make them something nice to come home to.

So I pulled out all stops and found a skerrick of energy and spent some time baking.

I made pear, ginger and white chocolate muffins.

Then I finally got some toast and herbal tea and went back to bed.

Robyn called up to see how I was doing so I ate my breakfast while she talked.

Jacqui skyped me from Perth - talked with her while I was cuddled up to the bear she sent me.

Apparently I have to name it - I am leaning towards boys names but haven't got one sussed yet!

I had barely finished talking to Jacqui than I got a skype call from Jesika in Melbourne.

She was not coping terribly well so we had a good D&M talk.

Love you my darling girl

Then Murray called up from Perth for a quick catch up chat.

Skype was red hot this morning!!

 

The kids had all returned from their grubbing and were in the kitchen foraging for food.

They had all had a good mornings work.

The plan was to leave for D'Urville Island, but Leann was still not well and didn't want to go, so the plans changed again much to the kids disgust!

 

Cat spent some time altering part of the kitchen bench.

They are also trying to fix the hot water cylinder power plug so we can then move onto fixing the wetback.

Lots of maintenance to do around here.

 

I went back to bed with a plate of comfort food.

Re-heated macaroni cheese and fresh bread with lashings of butter and Vegemite.

Couldn't help singing the Vegemite sandwich song in my head.

It's been a while since I have indulged

Watched dvd's and slept for most of the arvo.

 

Dinner was an out of the freezer chilli con carne that Abby had made for us - thanks Abby xxx

 

After dinner Leann hopped into the spa - doesn't she look so cute in this wacky hat.

Mahalia had music practice to do so she sat outside and serenaded Leann.

 

Azzan took himself off to bed after dinner.

When I went down to say goodnight he told me that he had been really trying to be good today.

He said that he was remembering what Daddy had said to him.

That each time he undid a tie on the mussel ropes when he was helping him that Daddy would say that he had helped put some food on the table.

So he figured that by helping without arguing even though he didn't really want to do the work he was doing just that for us today.

 

I sat on my bed and did some online banking tonight.

Can't quite bring myself to work in the study yet

Haven't been too many tears today.

Just an emptiness deep inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke early but stayed in bed till I had to get up.

I wonder if a broken heart heals if you rest it long enough?

Don't really feel much like doing anything major yet.

Kids are the same.

They are doing stuff, but I can see their hearts are not really in it.

 

Mahalia got stuck in and helped Azzan clean his room this morning.

It looks great now.

Cat & Shoshannah, Leann & Adina carried on building the glass house.

 

Anson & Marah popped round to say g'day.

Mahalia had some pressies for them.

She had found some baby things a while op shopping.

One was this sign for the truck!

Of course Azzan found the obvious place for it right now

Anson was in find fettle and was teasing the daylights out of Marah.

Shades of his Dad

They finally headed back home.

 

I got the washing on but the water was just piddling into the machine.

I really miss Timmy in such a practical sense at times like this.

I answered a few phone calls.

Don't really feel much like talking at the moment though.

Not got a lot to say.

It's just way too hard.

Hopped into the spa while everyone was busy in the garden.

So finally just before midday I was dressed.

Later when Cat came down I asked her to look at two jobs for me.

Sort out the washing machine filter and top up the spa.

The filter cleaning took a bit longer because she had to get into the back of the machine and not just the tap filter, but it worked and the water is now pouring in.

Then she connected the hose to the bathroom tap and filled up the spa.

Since the new kitchen sink and taps have been put in Tim had found it easier to use the bathroom.

It kept on flipping off but finally we got the job done.

And while she did that I did the chemicals.

 

Then we went for a walk up the steps to see the progress with the glass house building project.

It's going to be great.

 

Mail boat came at 2pm.

Shoshannah & Azzan went down.

I stayed up top.

I was still trying to get some breakfast, and it was now 2pm so I decided to forget giving the meal any sort of classification and just ate food - poached eggs on toast!

 

Azzan & Mahalia went swimming and then wallowed in the spa.

I asked them to get dishes done and clean up the living room once they were dry and dressed.

 

There was a huge pile of mail to open so I sat and ate and began opening cards.

I am overwhelmed by the cards and generosity of folk.

It is mind blowing.

It took me ages to open everything.

There was a large box to open.

Azzan got stuck into it with a knife.

Inside were small boxes, named for each of us individually, containing a photo mug, each mug decorated with photos pertaining to that individual and Tim.

Such a thoughtful present - Thank you so much Ross and Lenore.

There was another parcel for me.

Inside I found this gorgeous collage under glass made for me by Conny.

Thank you Conny - it is a treasure - I love it xxxx

I must admit there were many choking tears as I opened the mail today.

Lots of personal messages which brought back memories and emotions almost too much to contain.

There was a  large bag from my girlfriend over in Perth.

I kept it back to open it a bit later - Cat couldn't get it that I would leave the biggest till last

Inside was this gorgeous soft cuddly bear, especially for me from Jacqui.

He is in bed with me now Jac - love him to bits - thank you

 

I sat in bed and tried to do some computer work later in the arvo but fell asleep.

My mind is just not computing and my head is all wooly when it comes to business things.

I can be clear and concise in same matters but other things are just doing my head in

 

Shoshannah cooked dinner.

I suggested macaroni cheese - nice easy comfort food.

It was very tasty.

It is really hard having meals around the table now.

We are till all together but there is a huge void.

Tim's chair is empty.

Sometimes Azzan sits in it - but even when he does, it is still empty.

I'm really trying to be there and to enjoy the meals with the family, but it is so damned hard siting there, looking down the other end of the table and not seeing Tim there.

 

 

Tonight she wanted to watch the dvd of the funeral.

As it was so long and the night was getting later I didn't want to watch it all.

So we flicked through till we found parts we wanted to see.

Soon I had Mahalia & Azzan in bed with me too.

Shoshannah & Azzan saw some of it and then left for various reasons.

Mahalia stayed with me and cried her way through it - esp the slide show.

It is good to snuggle and cuddle and cry together.

 

I all of a sudden saw a photo in the slide show.

Just what I had been looking for.

So after she had gone to bed I went searching for the original.

I cropped it and came up with this beautiful photo taken at the end of last year while we were out on the Able Tasman boat.

I was so delighted because Mahalia has desperately been wanting to find a recent photo of her and her Daddy.

Isn't this a great one??

 

On that note I am going to snuggle myself down and try to get some sleep.

The troops are getting up at 5:30am tomorrow to go grubbing weeds for a few hours and then there is talk of them sailing out to D'Urville for a night or two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As usual I woke early.

Seems to be becoming my normal pattern.

I am sleeping okay at the moment, it is just the number of hours between the shutting and reopening of the eyes are not that many.

It is lovely and peaceful sleeping in Ross & Andrea's downstairs 'cave'.

It feels safe there and I can hide away from everything.

 

But today I had to get up and shower and pack and get the Terrano loaded early.

I had an appointment down the road at 8:45am.

I was ready at 8am but the girls took a bit more convincing to get out the door.

I thought I might be able to go post the mail first but found the Post Office didn't open till 8:30am so that would be pushing it a bit.

So instead I sat & breathed, and talked with Ross for half an hour.

Much better option

While I was at Concept Health the girls sat in the car and waited.

Shoshannah was happy with her book and Mahalia had Azzan's juggling sticks.

Judy arrived and soon I was lying on her couch and enjoying the soothing music and lovely a leg and foot massage.

She was very nice, but I couldn't tell her.

As she massaged I had this overwhelming urge to burst into tears, but I held myself together and eventually drifted off to sleep.

It was so lovely and relaxing - just what the Dr ordered!

 

When I was done we cruised off into the city.

Got caught up in the Waimea Road reconstructions so only just had time to whiz in and get us all some frappaccinnos.

Mahalia took hers and walked to the library to meet Sophie.

I had a 10am counseling session to get to and was there with only a minute to spare so Shoshannah walked across the park to her appointment.

I had a very emotional therapy session.

There was a lot of pent up grief which I had been containing.

I am not the sort of person to let lose and sob my heart out in front of people and have been managing to keep myself together - just!

But there are times when it just has to be set free.

 

The girls were all sorted so I drove into the city centre and met up with Gabrielle and Azzan.

He had had a lovely time meeting his new friend and had slotted into their family without any problems at all.

I zipped in quickly to posted the mail.

Azzan stayed in the car.

When I returned he was very sad and thoughtful.

He told me, 'There was an old homeless man trying to find food in the rubbish bin and I felt so awful and sad for him.'

Later he asked me how he could raise money to help the homeless people.

He has such a compassionate heart - may it stay that way.

 

I then dropped Azzan off at the library while I went looking for wedding and engagement presents for several young friends.

Not much spare energy to spend looking at the moment so chose just to go to Briscoes and see what they had on offer.

Not too often you can walk out of their empty handed

Met up with Sophie & Mahalia there, topped up their lunch money and they went off to find food and then walk back up to Sophie's house.

Had a bit of a mix-up/confusion with meeting Maree & Glen but we finally teed up and I loaded a lovely supply of frozen berries into the Terrano in two large chilly bins.

Back to Briscoes to pick up and pay for the presents I had found.

Loaded them into the back and wondered where on earth I was going to put the groceries - let alone the 3 kids!

 

Throughout the day I was really battling with some heavy emotions.

Tears were just sitting waiting to pour if anyone said the wrong right thing

I forbade anyone to ask me the 'how are you?' question.

It is just way too hard right now.

There are no answers that I can express in words.

 

Shoshannah had taken some lunch to the library for Azzan and text me to say he wanted to come with me now, so I swung past and picked him up.

Then as I was starving hungry I zipped back and picked up a baked spud on the way over to Tahunanui where I was meeting Phillipa at Trents.

 

I was a few minutes early so we parked in the shade and I ate my potato while Azzan read his books.

He had been telling me as we drove of some of the titles he had picked up.

Mostly on social issues - rascism, eating disorders, drugs, poverty.....

As we sat I asked him what he was reading.

He held up the book and I saw the title - 'Saying goodbye to a parent.'

My heart wept with his glistening eyes.

Asked him if it was a helpful book and he looked sadly at me and nodded.

 

I decided to go make a start on the shopping so we trundled the trolley inside and Azzan helped me find what we needed, plus other things that he felt we should have!!

Philipa arrived and we collected up what she needed.

Then decided that as it was so hot and we both needed a break, to go back into town and meet up at Starbucks and take time to sit a while and have a drink and a chat.

It was lovely and cool upstairs and not crowded.

Azzan stretched out on a couch and read his book.

He was really weary too.

 

Shoshannah arrived at 4pm and then headed off to get herself a drink and do some last minute shopping.

She and Mahalia made their own ways to Hangar 58.

 

I had to go see the guys at Tui Vision about the funeral video.

They had a copy finished and ready for me to take.

It sounded a bit weird to say that I was looking forward to watching it.

But I am.

Not that I want to be reminded that Tim has gone, but that I will be able to sit in my own space and quiet and be able to comprehend the day that was such a blur of people and exhaustion.

The guys that did the filming and editing of it are so lovely, very compassionate and professional.

If anyone wants a copy please let me know by private message as I will be ordering some extras for family soon.

They will cost $26NZ each.

 

I arrived at Hangar 58 before 5pm.

Nathan had a few minutes before he was technically at work, despite the fact that he had been there for quite a few hours prior to that.

Shoshannah took this lovely photo of him just before he changed into his work clothes.

We got some drinks ordered and sat out in the courtyard.

Azzan played with his juggling sticks for a while and then sat and read.

When he is reading he is oblivious to all.

Martin & Sylvia joined us - we ordered food and just chilled in the late arvo sun and talked and laughed.

 

Azzan and Mahalia made the most of my inattention to the open tab and had a few too many drinks!!
Azzan was in high spirits when we finally left - too much colour and sugar methinks

 

The last decadent 'drink'

 

We finally had to leave as the day was disappearing.

We fueled up the vehicle and then zipped in and grabbed a few groceries and were on our way out of town bout 7:40pm.

 

I was body weary but not sleepy so okay to drive.

We talked a lot until we got to Okiwi Bay.

 

Was good to stretch the legs and find a jacket to put on.

We needed some windows open but the night was chilling down a tad.

Shoshannah found my Leonard Cohen cds and he helped me home.

 

The closer I got to the crash site the more my stomach was tying itself in knots.

I was beginning to feel quite sick.

When I got there all I wanted to do was stop the car and get out and sit there and keen and wail into the night.

Leonard was singing my song around that point and I just kept driving as the tears were quietly streaming down my face.

The darkness hides my pain well.

 

We were soon home and the girls helped me unpack everything quite quickly.

Azzan put himself straight to bed.

 

I had a quick spa and then played on the laptop for a few moments but was so tired I eventually just fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Early morning ponderings.....

 

So, I think I have it figured.

Well at this point I have it figured.

I am so used to coming and going to town and other places, on my own and with the kids.

That when I am away from home I don't expect Tim to be here.

So I cope better.

Well, sorta better.

I am still very sad and alone.

But as long as no-one looks sideways at me and gets too sorry for me then I can hold it all together and can actually do this!

Okay, so I don't feel like putting on my glad girl make up and my high heels and kicking the party along, but I can actually get out there and do stuff.

For now, at this moment...

 

 

 

 

 

 Once daylight hit life got cracking.

I had to get a move along to get Azzan & Shoshannah to their respective lessons by 8:45am.

I did the lazy townie thing and bought Azzan's lunch from the corner dairy!!

Wont be doing that next time - man, it was an expensive exercise.

I took him into One Day School.

He was early which was good.

Linda, his teacher, immediately enveloped him and explained what they were studying and how his juggling sticks could fit into the topic of castles - jesters etc and suggested he could teach his classmates how to juggle them.

He was happy so I left.

Bumped into Maree dropping her kids off at school so while chatted with her for a few minutes I sent Shoshannah off to walk to her guitar lesson.

Only problem was the corner I pointed out for her to walk to was the fartherest corner and she took the closest one and ended up walking right around the block!

Mahalia & I went and got Sasha out of bed.

Had a cuppa with her and then had to leave to pick up Shanni.

Mahalia stayed with Sasha while she got ready and then they both came into the city on the bus.

Shoshannah & I zipped into the city centre.

I had several back to back appointments.

Sorting Seb & Phoebe's holiday bookings, then Anson's finances, and then off to the lawyer to sort the legal wrangle.

I thought it was all sposed to be pretty straight forward but a few minutes into the meeting I find that there are some hiccups and it was all just far too much for me to get my head around, tears welled up and I nearly cracked.

Heather just quietly went and got tissues and I managed to carry on with the meeting.

We got it all sorted and now have a list of things to work through.

If I have any advice to you all, do not leave making wills and sorting out your estate - get on to it now!

And make sure you know and understand exactly what you want is being put into place and then you won't have any shocks.

We thought we had it pretty sussed but not so

 

 

Shoshannah had been shopping and spent her voucher at 'Hunting & Fishing' - she was very happy with her set of hunting clothes.

Once the 3 girls met up they wandered the dress shops looking for bridesmaid dresses.

I zipped into the bank and deposited some cheques and then met up with the 3 girls.

They were getting Pita breads for lunch, I remembered it was Wednesday, Farmer's Market day which equals Wrap Shack!!

So I asked Shoshannah to whiz over to  the market to get me on of the delicious Salmon and avocado wraps while I drove around the block.

I was actually getting quite hungry by this point - it was nearly 1pm and I had been running on just a frappacinno and adrenalin.

 

We headed back to Richmond.

I stopped outside the Red Cross op shop.

They had a 1/2 price sale.

The kids were in heaven and stayed there the whole time I was having coffee across the road at 'Lydia's' with Sally.

They came out with a large bag of treasures and only spent a small amount of money so all were happy.

Sally and I shared some special time.

It is hard to be walking the same road as she has been.

Hard for us both.

Really hard.

But sharing it helps.

Maree came and met us so I got to hang out with her for a few minutes again - nice

 

Then all of a sudden it was approaching 2:45pm and I had to rush off to pick up Azzan from school.

Had a few minutes to talk with his teacher.

She said he slotted in really well and was right into everything.

He apparently did a play with another student and had a great time.

He has been asking to take drama classes so this will have been a wonderful experience for him, one that his teacher is going to  explore further with him if she possibly can fit it into future lessons.

He chatted away happily telling me all about it and the dialogue they had used in it and the lines he had made up etc as we walked back tot he car.

The day was so hot and windy.

We were all feeling really tired and thirsty so were glad to head back to Ross & Andrea's to collapse for a few moments.

There was some sorting of where which child was going and when.

Andrea had them all lined up for piano lessons.

So Mahalia had first lesson and then Maree picked her up so she could go hang out with Madi for a few hours.

Then Gabrielle came to get Azzan after his lesson, and he went to spend the night with his GO and phone friend Jack.

Shoshannah was happy to take the last lesson and then just chill out.

Before I left the two girls modeled all their 'new' clothes.

They both had chosen well and have some very pretty things to add to their already over flowing wardrobes.

Thank goodness they love op shopping and inheriting 2nd hand clothes - if not, their wardrobes would be way emptier or I would be broke!!

It is interesting and amusing to see the vast difference in the girls tastes.

They had chosen vastly different clothes.

I love seeing their individualities emerging as they are getting older.

 

I zipped down to ColourPlus and spent a few minutes with Kevin getting some house paint sorted.

Ant met me there and we wandered across the road to hang out and relax over some cold drinks while the paint got mixed.

It was really really good to talk.

Ant & Ger are Seb's 'godparents' and were close friends back in the day, but we have not really connected for many years.

We had just begun reconnecting a few weeks prior to Tim's accident.

We had lots to talk about and reminisce over and their was a bit of 'eye sweating' along the way

Ant was also sussing out a vehicle for me so there was practical discussions as to what my needs are.

I need reliable, knowledgeable men in my life who can help me in these areas now I haven't got my right hand man anymore.

The one thing I am learning, and learning fast, is not to be too proud to ask for help.

There are so many people who want to help and I need help, so I just have to remember to let others bless me and my family in this way

 

All too soon it was after 5pm and I had to go pick up the paint.

Talked some more, hugged some more, talked to Ger on the phone, and then more hugs and we had to go our separate ways - for today.

 

I had some time to fill so drove to Mitre 10 Mega Centre and spent half an hour cruising the aisles.

I need to get some wedding gifts so as it was one of the few places still open I cased the joint to see if they had anything appropriate.

Nothing jumped out and screamed 'buy me' though so I left and drove a few metres to Speights Ale House.

I found a quiet corner, ordered a spicy tomato juice, plug in my phone to charge it, got the free wifi code and put my feet up and checked emails on my laptop while I waited for Phillipa.

 

She arrived after 7pm and we were taken to our table.

I had asked for a quiet corner so we could just sit and talk without battling crowds and noise.

Thankfully it was a fairly quiet night there anyway.

 

We started with their Deep Fried Feta

 

 

 

 

Last night as I crumbled in my pain, I sat in the study trying to sort through mail that had to be dealt with.

I paid some bills and answered invitations.

We have been involved with the Duke of Edinburgh organisation for over 16 years and they had sent both Tim and I invites to their 50th year celebrations.

Once again I had to write and email and explain.

I couldn't put into words so just declined and included a link to the newspaper article about Tim's accident.

A wedding invite, I would love to have gone to but it was at a time when I knew some of my older children are planning to come home - I have to be here with them, for them.

Shoshannah came to say goodnight and I asked her if she would read to Azzan.

The bed time reading to the children time was always Tim's time with them..

I am finding it really hard to adjust to the new way, the way it is going to have to be, the fact that I have to be both Mum and Dad for the little ones.

They are all being so loving and supportive of me, I have to try and raise myself out of my own anguish and remember theirs.

When I finally managed to make it out of the study I went down the hall to say goodnight to them both.

They were both sound asleep.

Precious darlings.

 

Cat had come down the hall before she left the house and found me sitting on my bed.

She came and gave me a big hug.

I really needed that - words were too much to share just then.

 

Mahalia was taking much longer to get herself snuggled down..

We had a night hug as she put out her light.

Finally I took myself outside into the black night - not much of any sort of moon, stumbled along the verandah as I felt along the side of the house in the darkness and climbed into the spa.

It sorta echoed the darkness in my spirit.

I let the heat of the water envelope me as the longing for Tim, the realisation that it is 2 weeks since he left, and that he just really is never coming back, all hit me in fresh waves, and the tears really began.

 

My pillow was wet as I sobbed myself to sleep.

 

Once I am asleep though I am sleeping soundly until around 5am.

That seems to be my hour to wake and think.

That was the hour when Tim and I would lie and talk in the mornings before the day began and the crazy busyness of life would take over.

 

Bernadette, who wwoofed here many years ago has just sent me some photos.

The children all look so young.

But one of the photos was this.

I love it.

Last night when I feeling so bereft, I had this totally irrational thought.

I was wishing that I could've kept Tim's hands when we buried him.

I wished I could've taken them before they took him away.

I just want to have those hands to hold me and love me again. 

 

 

Once the children began waking I was up and getting ready for town.

I asked Adina to go through all the bouquets of flowers and redeem the ones still living.

As she did she also saved some and pressed them for me.

The remaining flowers she put in a large vase for us to enjoy for a few more days.

 

The plan was that Seb & Phoebe were picking up Tim's Safari and my Terrano and driving home in convoy and then I was oging to head back to town in the Terrano around lunch time.

However, as with most best laid plans of mice and men, that plan didn't go to plan!

They went out for a breakfast business meeting and then went to pick up the Safari and found it was making a strange noise.

So Seb sent Phoebe off to get groceries and begin her drive home while he waited until the mechanic had sussed the problem.

Anson arrived in from his morning mustering so I asked him if he would drive us to Elaine Bay to meet Phoebe and that would get me to town a bit earlier.

So from a leisurely morning with no need to rush we all of a sudden had half an hour to load up.

He had to shoot back home and unload his truck and come back for us.

We were finally on the road just before midday.

It was a good drive, Anson took his time and drove quietly which I really appreciated.

We had a good chat on the way round.

The local lady who is delivering census papers met us at the Cissy Bay turn off and gave us several packets to fill out.

We stopped for a fee moments to see where Nathan's car had gone over the bank.

We arrived at Elaine Bay and found Phoebe waiting for us.

While Anson fueled up the vehicles we transferred Phoebe's stuff into the truck and our bags into the Terrano.

There was a man near us fueling up his boat.

He sorta looked like he wanted to speak to us but I didn't recognise him so just carried on with what we were doing.

Finally he came over and introduced himself.

He and some other friends used to come stay in our Cottage about 15-16 years ago.

He had heard about Tim and we ended up having quite a chat.

Then it was time to head off.

Anson took Phoebe back home and we headed towards town.

We met Sebastian half way up the hill as we headed down into Okiwi Bay.

We parked up on the side of the road and chatted a while.

Then we zipped down to Okiwi Bay.

Stopped off at the shop for an ice cream and ended up having quite a reminiscing chat with Ian.

He remembered Tim as a young 4 year old and was telling me about coming in to home by boat etc as a young fellow.

As we drove up the hill Shoshannah commented to me that it seemed to her that everyone knows us 

 

We arrived in the city centre at 4pm.

I was about to whiz into Starbucks for a drink when I heard someone calling my name.

It was Katarina.

She had just got a frappacinno and was just in the process of sending me a photo of it to give me the hint that we needed to catch up for coffee and then I walk past!!

We were talking for a few minutes when Shoshannah walked past us back to the car and Kat laughed saying Shanni will no doubt believe that everyone knows us now!!

 

I got my drink and then dropped the kids off around the corner so they could feed and water themselves at the establishments of their choosing while I went off to do an errand.

I called into see the guys at Tui Vision who had filmed the funeral service.

We talked about what other info, music and photos they could use.

Then it was time to pick up Mahalia from the library and take her to her harp lesson.

I zipped back to Nelson Beauty Therapy to join the throng of happy clients celebrating the awards that NBT had been presented by Dermalogica.

Nathan was there and Bedelia had already got him on bar service

Shoshannah and Azzan walked up from the library.

Azzan didn't enjoy the noisy crowd so retreated to the car to read and rest.

It was rather noisy so I just hung out with Nathan and caught up with Julie & Amanda when they had a spare moment.

Can't deal with noise and crowds too well but as I was fairly anonymous it was ok tonight.

When they did the draw at the end of the evening Bedelia got Nathan to put his hand in the vase.

The first name he pulled out was - ta da!! Shoshannah!!

She was thrilled.

Bedelia has a special skin care session lined up for her tomorrow plus she let her chose some nail varnish and lip gloss.

One happy young lady

We dropped Nathan off at Hangar 58 afterwards, picked up Mahalia and got some big hugs from Annemieke.

She is teaching Mahalia a new piece of music.

Apparently Mahalia wanted to learn a sad song - I can understand that

 

We got to Ross & Andrea's for a late dinner.

We were all hungry and the food was delicious.

 

It has been a long busy afternoon/evening and now I am sitting up in bed typing while a squidgy wee man is wriggling around in his sleep beside me.

Going to call it quits now and shut up shop and get some much needed sleep.

Got a reasonably busy day tomorrow.

xxxx