Shoshannah & Mahalia were up early to go mustering with Anson at 7am.

Azzan was sleeping with me so they woke me soon after 6am, trying to wake him up to go with them.

He felt sick and didn't want to go, so they left him.

But I was awake!

I heard a mussel barge coming so I got up to see what was happening.

It was Noel on 'Tardis' doing some tidying up of the ropes on the wharf which is a good job done as we could barely move out there.

Once everyone had gone I took my laptop out to the spa and watched a 'Miss Marple' murder mystery.

Cat & Leeann were up 'being busy' before I got out.

Azzan was wanting to vomit but couldn't so I suggested he went back to bed with a hottie on his tummy.

He did that for the rest of the morning.

 

I had a glass of the delicious beetroot & carrot juice that Phoebe had sent over for me.

Then called up a number of someone who had been trying to locate me through friends.

Turned out it was Dave, an old friend who lost his wife nearly 2 years ago.

Tim had called him up afterwards and he had really appreciated his call.

He just wanted to tell me of Tim's sincerity and genuineness.

That their hour long conversation was not full of platitudes which so many use.

That he talked about God in such a real way without any pretensions.

We talked for ages.

It was good.

I sat out on the deck to talk so I would get better reception.

It was a hot day out in the sunshine.

Got my share of Vit D for the day

 

Then I called up Hanne to have a chat before she leaves for her month away.

It was really hot out in the sun on the deck but when I came back indoors I had to put on my cardigan as the air temps inside were much cooler.

I sat and watched another 'Miss Marple' while I knitted.

I finished the two wee hats I had begun weeks ago.

I then cast on for the wee jacket I am knitting for Marah & Anson's babe with yarn I bought from my friend Wendy at MynxKnits.

I haven't knitted this yarn before so am keen to see how it is going to look.

Marah chose the colour scheme - it is pretty.

 

The girls got home all hot and tired around midday.

Shoshannah had lunch and then went off to bed.
She was exhausted and frustrated because the sheep wouldn't move through a gateway and they will now have to go back and redo the muster.

 

When she woke up I asked her to go take some photos of the progress up the hill.

She came back with the following.

Looking up the steps from a low angle - quite a cool shot I thought.

Leeann is building a new garden behind the vege garden.

It is very convenient to have Olly grazing close by.

He's a traveling manure spreader 

 

Azzan & Mahalia went up to help paint the floor & walls of the wwoofers hut.

Cat is wanting to get it sealed before she puts carpet down.

Azzan caused quite a lot of amusement because he kept painting himself into a circle corner!!

It is really lighting up the hut well.

Mahalia was got Olly down to graze the lawn while she was working.

He is going to be used as a 'lawnmower' on the main garden lawns too - as long as he is under strict supervision.

He makes a far better job of it than the sheep do.

Cat carried on with her deck building.

 

I decided I need to do something constructive.

My room is getting really messy.

So I started emptying Tim's clothes out of his drawers and wardrobe.

But doing it made me really angry and then I lost it totally and ended up bawling my eyes out the whole time I was carrying his clothes all out into the living room.

I dumped them there so we can sort through them later.

While I was sitting here sobbing the phone went and my friend Christine was on the other end.

It was good to talk through it all with her.

 

My dear friend Eilidh sends me encouraging emails nearly every day.

Last night she sent me one which really touched me.

I have her permission to share this, it is precious and may help others.

Here it is in part....

"....She told me something that I am sure you have been told, but just in case you haven't...

"Let grief take it's time."

I've rolled that thought around in my head over the past couple of days. I don't have any profound insights... just the simplicity of that word, "Let..."

Isn't that the hardest thing though, to Let? To let our hearts hurt; to let the tears flow; to let people see us at our weakest; to let others do the doing; to let routines change; to let memories fade... I am so prone to get caught up in the moving ahead, that I forget to let this moment "be".

I don't want to assume to know what you are going through right now, cause I know I'll get it wrong. But you and your children are ever near to my heart, and I am praying that this time of grieving won't be rushed, but that each and everyone of you will learn what it means to "let", and how to "be"... and I know that after this valley of shadow passes, there will be green pastures where souls are restored, and a feast where cups run over with abundance of goodness and mercy.

As hard as it is, without the bitterness of grief's and struggles, we could not know the sweetness and richness of the joys."

Thanks Eilidh, I really appreciate your loving friendship and ability to speak to my heart.

 

I carried on with some shifting of boxes of stuff that I had stashed beside the woodfire several months ago.

It is beginning to get much cooler now and won't be long till we have to light it.

So they have been moved back into my bedroom until I can get to sorting through them.

 

Marah & Anson came round.

I sat and cried some more on Marah & Mahalia's shoulders.

Tim's clothes are just too much to deal with right now.

I want to go through them - it is just hard.

I will get to them tomorrow.

 

Bri & Abby arrived later in the arvo.

Bri came bearing gifts.

Shoshannah now has a onesie!

Looks like there is a onesie takeover going on

Mahalia got some more birthday pressies.

She now has a bright pink tackle box and a gorgeous bag to carry her music in with a wonderful photo of her and her Dad having fun at D'Urville Island printed on the front flap.

 

Leeann made a venison pie for dinner.

They ate it with stir fried rice and corn on the cob.

I had a delicious plate full of corn off the cob with grated cheese, butter and tomatoes.

Yum!

I did some more knitting while the dishes were being done.

Everyone was rather tired so by 8pm the kitchen was vacated.

Tucked the 3 young'uns into bed.

Now I am sitting in my bed clad in my new pjs, eating fresh pears with chocolate and drinking a hot mocha

Seeing as it is still early I am thinking a Miss Marple dvd might just fill the bill before I snuggle down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cat was taking Julia up the hill at 6am to meet Sandra.

I woke at 5am so got up to say goodbye.

Then I took the laptop out to the spa and watched a Miss Marple movie.

 

Mid morning Marah & Anson came around.

Marah and I went for a walk up to find Cat.

She had gone back to bed to watch a movie after doing her Julia delivery and had gone back to sleep.

This is one of the projects she has been working on while I was in town.

Putting a ranch slider into the wwoofers hut, in place of the small broken window.

It is going to make the place so much nicer.

 

Marah went through all my stash of baby clothes with Mahalia's help.

I found several more boxes I had forgotten I had.

Also found a box of rifle stuff of Tim's that Anson took back with him to sort through.

There were baby clothes for Africa.

I hadn't realised I had kept so much.

Marah took a small box full, no point in taking too many bigger garments until she knows what sex & size the baby is.

This tail-less gecko was hiding in Anson's hat.

Bit hard to tell which end is which!

 

It was a glorious day.

Hot sunshine.

Mahalia & Azzan hung out several loads of washing.

I hung out the last two - it was a very enjoyable occupation today - got my dose of Vit D which cheered my spirits somewhat.

After lunch the mailboat arrived.

The Harold & Jana drove around for a visit.

They joined us for a cuppa and shared some delicious orange and date muffins.

Joy & Tony arrived in their boat.

They brought a banana cake.

That was also swooped on by the young gannets!

It was really lovely to catch up with them all.

Cat got Jana to check out her knee and was most impressed when Jana nailed the problem very quickly.

Now she just has to feed that info to the Drs and get something happening.

After Jana & Harold left we went up to check out Cat's projects.

Sitting on her decking in the late arvo sunshine.

Lots of shadows!

Then we wandered up some more steps to check out the top sleepout.

It was lovely sitting in the sun on Bri's ski bench.

Shoshannah & Mahalia were all ready to go mustering but had to wait for Anson & Tony to stop talking.

Anson took the 3 kids out to muster the Bluff Block.

 

Once the sun went down it turned quite cold.

Joy & Tony zipped off to catch a fish for their dinner on the way home.

I wandered through the woolshed with Cat and we checked out all the work that is needing to be done.

It is a bit overwhelming but if we plod away we will make inroads.

Really need a team of willing hands and some muscle power to make it happen.

 

Leeann had taken out a meatloaf Sandra had given us for dinner.

We popped that into oven and Leeann did some vegetables and rice to go with it.

The kids all returned hungry - the meatloaf went down very well.

I lit my new candles.
So pretty.

 

Jesika phoned after dinner.

Great she has found a good phone deal so we were able to have a good talk.

It was so chilly tonight.

We didn't have any fires going so I snuggled up in my dressing gown.

When I went to take my hot drink to bed I found the electric blanket was already turned on.

Then I found a small body tucked in on Tim's side of the bed cuddling my teddy bear.

Azzan had decided he needed to sleep with me tonight.

After a hug and cuddle he quickly cruised off to sleep.

Now I need to do the same.

xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I slept well, woke at 4am and then back to sleep until nearly 6am.

Sat up in bed and did some work on my laptop.

Before I hopped in the shower I had a quick look at the dvd of photos a young lass had taken at the funeral.

It was good to see them and get another perspective of the day and also see photos of people who were there that I had missed in the haze of the crowd.

Towards the end there was a photo of all the mussels, steamed open and people standing around eating them.

For some reason that photo tipped my emotional bucket over.

It was 7am and I needed to get moving so I hopped into the shower and as the water flowed over me an immense wave of grief hit me and I sobbed and sobbed.

It was like a tap was turned on and I couldn't turn it off.

I said goodbye to Andrea through a curtain of tears.

Then I had an hour before I had to leave so did some online banking and tried to sort out an email from the lawyer.

In my emotional haze I couldn't make sense of it so asked Ross for help.

Ended up making an appointment to see the lawyer later in the day.

As I left Richmond at 9am I called in to pick up the camcorder and dvd they had copied off it for me.

Had to go through the whole, 'I thought I recognised you and I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and how are you doing?' conversation.

I could barely talk.

Thankfully she recognised that fact and didn't push it.

As I drove along the motorway into Nelson I cried and cried and cried.

Normally while driving in the car I would have the radio going and be keeping up with the news etc, but now I can't bear the intrusion of noise and unnecessary voices.

At night Tim & I would usually have the small transistor radio going and listen to late night talk back but I cant handle the inconsequential prattle now.

Now I need quiet.

I cannot cope with the intrusion of silliness, or stupidity, or too much activity.

It is like I am living in a bubble.
A bubble that is all blurry around the edges, but which has made my internal senses sharper and more heightened.

One part of me is all hazy and blurry and non comprehending, but within that part the other is clear and resonated and taut like a rubber band.

 

I drove straight to my 9:30am appointment with Julie.

She was bright and welcoming but recognised immediately that I was not in a good place.

It was so good just to lie back and relax while she did my facial and massage.

I was a mess and my face and skin were portraying that fact.

On the drive into town I had come to realise that I was getting sick.

My whole body was breaking down.

My emotions for the past month have been stretched to the max and I have been living on sheer will power.

I have not been sleeping enough.

I have not been eating properly.
All the physical warning bells were beginning to ring loudly in my head.

I was beginning to get a sore throat and small ulcers were threatening to erupt on my tongue.

My head was aching and my stomach has been continually churning.

I just haven't got the energy to respond.

 

Julie lovingly sent me on my way with a hug and assurances of her ongoing support.

I headed down the street to Hangar 58.

Sally was already there with Mahalia & Azzan.

They were in fine fettle had been perusing the menu and making important choices as to what they wanted to have for breakfast.

They decided to order the Flight deck breakfast and share it between them.

Azzan was also wanting a fancy fizzy drink.

I warned him that I did not have any energy to cope with having to scrape him off the ceiling after it and he promised faithfully that he would be in control!!

Paula & Dave arrived.

Paula gave the kids $20 and said she was shouting them breakfast.

They were thrilled and went running back to suss out the menu and check out the prices.

Just the right amount so they were able to enjoy sharing their food.

Looking at Azzan's eyes in this photo I am wondering if the fizzy drink hasn't already hit the rain cells

I got Sally to come over closer so we didn't have to talk across the children and tables.

She and Dave had a lovely chat while Paula and I had a moment to talk quietly in the background.

I so appreciate the times we manage to find in the busyness of life to catch up with these two very special friends.

Paula was on of my lifelines when I first came to live in the Sounds.

It wasn't an easy time back then being a young mother with little children in a very isolated area.

 

It was all too soon approaching midday and we had to leave.

I went to meet Katarina at Starbucks.

Sally dropped the kids off at the library and then came to join us.

We had been trying to meet for coffee for over a year so it really was good to see her.

And also to introduce my two friends

 

At 1pm we headed off to do a few jobs.

I got caught up in the candle shop.

The lady was the one Azzan had been visiting with after Tim was killed.

He continues to go there and seek her out and chat with her whenever he is in town.

She was so taken with him.

I saw this lovely glass candle holder and couldn't resist it.

So now it is in pride of place on our lovely macrocarpa bench.

I have never really been a 'burning candles' type of person.

The children enjoy decorating the dinner table at times, but now I think I would like this on our table.

 

Phillipa was able to pick Ross up for me and bring him into the city so he could come to the lawyers with me at 2pm.

I was so glad he was there.

It took the stress right out of the meeting as he was able to understand and retain all the information I couldn't get my head around.

Last time I was there and they produced pages of problems I just caved under the pressure of trying to understand what they were talking about.

On a 'normal' day I would've taken it all in my stride.

But my days are never normal now, and I wonder if they ever will be again

 

During the meeting I had to get hold of Sally to ask her something about the funeral catering.

I knew her phone had just gone flat.

So I called her sister's shop.

Her nephew said they had just gone out for coffee.

I asked for Maria's cell number.

'Oh, she has left it here.' he replied.

So I asked if he knew where they were going.

He started explaining that he didn't know the name but it was some cafe in Bridge St near a physio place.

I exclaimed 'Broccoli Row!'

Yes, that's the one!!

So I got the phone book out, called up Broccoli Row and began explaining who I was looking for.

Then I said to the lady, 'That's the one I want - the one who is laughing.'

I could hear Sally very distinctive laughter in the background!!

Don't you just love small personal cities where you can track someone down that easily

 

So not only did I get some answers to my questions, I was able to tee up for her to take Ross back home after our meeting.

That was such a great help as my day was getting busier than I had planned.

Nathan text me to ask if I could come meet him and a friend to discuss something.

So once Ross & Sally left I headed back to Hanger 58 and spent 30-40minutes with Nathan.

It was a slightly awkward meeting as I was rather put on the spot about a difficult matter and because of my emotional state, was not really a good place to be put in that position.

But I managed to sort it and Nathan was great.

We had a lovely time before I left.

He is so loving and supportive and protective of me.

I am so blessed by my kids.

 

Then finally I was able to breath and called Phillipa to arrange to meet up.

She was getting her groceries so I swung past and got mine at the same time.

She helped me gather what I needed and got me through the checkout.

Andrea dropped a very exhausted Marah off.

We chucked all the groceries in the vehicle and then headed to Starbucks to chill.

 

Nuana had collected the kids from the library earlier and was hanging out in town with them.

Mahalia had fun spending her birthday money and Nuana spoiled them both by buying them other stuff.

Shoshannah & Katherine were also in town.

At 5:30pm Starbucks closed and we had to leave.

We spotted Farmers sale was on and the shop was open until midnight.

So we wandered through the store on the way back to the car.

I found some clothes suitable for the weddings and then got lost in the nightware section.

Got a text from Mahalia asking where we were and that they needed money!

So they came in and we had lots of fun finding sale clothes.

I found myself some pjs.

The kids had already bought themselves some 'onesies'
 and were absolutely sure that I should get some too.

I was equally positive that I was not getting them!!

Then!!

Then we found the baby department.

There was lots of ooohhs and aaahhs and gooing and gaaing over all the cute wee outfits.

I ended up at the counter with an armful of clothes for me and the soon to be born grandchild, plus a couple of extra things that Mahalia & Azzan thought they just had to have 'cuz they are really really cheap today Mum'!

 

Phillipa had to leave so we all said our goodbyes and headed to the cars.

We met up at the Winnington's and did a complete repack of the vehicle and very carefully managed to fit Mahalia's 'new' harp in.

It was much larger than the previous one and I was quite worried as to how we were going to get everything in plus that.

But amazingly we did!!

 

The girls were all in high spirits so it took some time to get mine loaded in the vehicle.

But finally we were out the drive and off.

Just had a quick stop to get fuel, then another at Nathan's to pick up all the silverbeet.

Because the landscapers are coming in to spray all the weeds and begin the tidy up I wanted to rescue the silverbeet and bring home to eat.

 

I had bought a roasted chicken and some cheese bread sticks so Mahalia & Azzan made dinner for us all as we drove.

It was after 7pm when we left town so the roads were quieter  and the heat had gone out of the day.

There was some very entertaining conversation coming from the back seat.

Azzan did not have his ipod or a dvd player to entertain him so he entertained us with advice to Marah as to how she should proceed to give birth to her baby when the time comes

The trip home was good and we were soon dropping Marah off at The Croft and we were unloading at home before 10pm.

Julia helped unload and as she had to leave early the next morning she and Azzan sat and swapped music.

Azzan was all snuggled up in his new onesies.

Mahalia unwrapped the harp and gave us a demo.

The sound is amazing compared to the other smaller one.

 

I had to kick them all off to bed as it was 11pm.

It had been a very long draining day and so very good to be back home.

I am so blessed to have such close friends and family to envelope and support me through all the emotional trauma and upheaval.

 

It was quite a chilly Autumn-ish evening.

It was with mixed emotions I turned on my electric blanket.

Just another reminder that I have no one to keep me warm at nights

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was awake early again.

Azzan slept on despite me working on the laptop, kept snoring soundly while I showered, and dressed.

Then when I finally woke him at 7:30am he asked why I hadn't woken him earlier!

Well, as all mothers know, you never wake sleeping babes!!

He had 30 minutes to get ready to leave and as he is not really a breakfast person I felt that was adequate.

He did it and we were all packed and ready to go by 8am.

The morning was very damp and much cooler.

Definitely a strong feeling of Autumn in the air.

It took a wee while to get all the windows clear and allow some visibility while I drove due to the rain and mist.

We went straight to CRT and got some farm supplies.

Did a couple of small jobs and then took Azzan to One Day School and dropped Shoshannah at her guitar lesson.

I had half an hour spare so shot back to the mall and posted all the mail, then dropped the video camera off to have some film transferred onto disk.

Shoshannah called to say she was finished - good timing as I was just about to zip down to pick her up.

We headed into the city.

Phoned ahead and organised Marah & Mahalia to walk down to the shops and meet up for some girlie shopping time.

Shoshannah and I had time to get our morning frappes, drop books at the library and then get to counseling.

Shoshannah took her guitar and walked across the park to her appointment as it was 15 minutes later than mine.

I had a fairly emotional session.

Loads to process as there has been a lot of emotional stress and baggage happening in past days which have been upsetting me and making me feel physically ill.

It is good to have a safe environment to try and sort all of it out.

 

I picked Shoshannah up an hour later and then we found Marah & Mahalia at the Red Cross op shop.

They were happy cuz they had found some bargains.

Marah was in baby heaven with some cute wee things she had found.

 

While I drive Mahalia is my texting secretary.

When I unloaded the photos off my phone last night I found a heap like this.

So I am figuring it is not just texting that happens when I am not looking

 

We zipped up to the Winnington's and swapped girls.

Shoshannah stayed with Katherine and I took Mahalia with me.

We had a few minutes to do a couple of jobs in the city and then head out to meet Barbara and her two girls at Crusoe's.

They had driven down from Palmerston North to begin their South Island adventure and were beginning it with a catch up time with me

We had a a couple of hours of good food, great company and sunshine.

Grace, Kaitlyn & Mahalia.

Marah's friend Andrea drove up from Charleston and met us there.

They had lunch with us and then headed off to enjoy a couple of days together.

 

I had to pick Azzan up at 2:45pm so we finally let Anat & Rami shut up shop and we headed on our separate ways.

Azzan was busy on the floor playing a word game with one of his classmates.

His teacher said that he just slots in so easily, she has a group of just 8 boys in the class who really blend together well.

I just wish I could get him out every week, but at the moment he has the best of both worlds so all is good.

We popped down to visit Sasha and have a quick look around their new house.

I was feeling really tired and sick so was quite happy to head back to Ross & Andrea's for a rest.

I lay on the floor for a wee while and tried to get rid of my stomach ache.

 

The children had organised themselves.

Gabrielle came to pick up Azzan and he went to spend the night with Jack.

Sally picked up Mahalia after her piano lesson so she & Kashana were over the moon to have a night together too.

I was happy to just be on my own for a wee while.

I had an hour to do some things so drove into Richmond and picked up spa supplies, then called in to the car yard to talk to the guys there.

They have me at the top of their list for when a Nissan Regulus 3.2L comes in.

But unfortunately they are very sought after and in short supply down here so I may have to wait a while to find the right one for me.

I dropped some stuff off to David & Sasha's so they can bring it down next time they come as I am not going to have room to get Mahalia's 'new' harp home as well as all the farm stuff.

We sat and talked for a while and then I realised that the afternoon had gone and I needed to get back to change and pick up Andrea.

I was feeling really tired and sick and the beginnings of a headache drumming at the periphery of my head.

So I downed some Panadine as we left.

We met up with Phillipa, Jillian and Barbara at Speights Ale House and enjoyed a really lovely evening together.

We have been friends for over 20 years now.

We met all those years ago because we were all home educating, but our friendships have continued beyond that.

Jillian kept us all entertained and provided some much needed levity

 

We got back home around 10pm.

Ross & Andrea prayed with/for me and mine before I staggered off downstairs to my cave.

I was out like a light and slept until 4am, and then managed to sleep some more until nearly 6am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day dawned wet, overcast and cold.

So good.

Did an empty out of the rain gauge - over the past few days we have had about 54mm rain.

The temperature had changed this morning as the southerly rolled in.

I got up earlyish and made another card.

These are two of the ones I have made in past 24 hours.

 

It didn't take too long to get packed once I was out of the shower.

I was taking Graham's Nissan to town this time which confused the kids.

He has lent it to me so I can give it a test drive to see how it compares as it is similar to what I am wanting to buy.

Once we managed to get all the gear into the right vehicle we were away by 10am.

Got around the road a few minutes and Shoshannah remembered her phone charger

So when we stopped to pick up Marah Anson zipped back to the house with Shanni on the quad bike.

They only took a few minutes and then we were off.

It was a noticeably less bumpy trip in the newer vehicle.

By the time we had gotten to the top of the hill Marah was sold and threatening not to give the truck back to Graham!!

The kids were not feeling great so when we got to Okiwi Bay I let them all out and sent them walking along the beach to get some fresh air.

We were in Nelson by 12:45pm.

I whizzed into Starbucks and got drinks for Marah, Mahalia & me.

Shoshannah and Azzan went off to find the food they wanted and then headed to the library.

We dropped Halia off at Sophie's.

Margaret took her to harp and then she stayed the night there.

We zipped over to Tahunanui and dropped some meat off at Sally & John's.

Marah and I had some good D&M's while we were driving.

The tears began flowing and never really stopped all day.

It was good to talk to Sally.

She has been in my shoes and understands.

After lots of hugs and tears we zipped back to the city for our 2pm appointment with Bedelia.

She gave Marah and I both a lovely pedicure and painted our nails.

It was a lovely relaxing hour.

Then just had time to meet up with Ella at Starbucks for a quick drink and catch up.

The kids met us there and then went off with Ella.

She dropped them out to Richmond for me on her way home so they could have their piano lessons and chill out.

 

While I went to see Hitomi at Renaissance, Marah went cruising the shops.

My hair was a total mess and I was really feeling blah!

Hitomi chopped & styled and made me into a new woman.

She also gave me a wonderful scalp massage.

Just what the doctor ordered

The skies were still sending down the damp stuff and the temperatures were distinctively cool.

I was quite glad of my jacket.

I zipped down the street, picked up Marah, fueled up the Nissan and then headed out to Seb's house.

I met up with the landscape folk there and we did a recce of the section as the boys are vacating in a couple of weeks and we need to get it ready to rent out.

If anyone is interested in renting a 3 bedroom townhouse in Nelson please let me know

They told me what they could do and told them what I wanted.

We came to an agreement that they will start work at the end of the week.

Then we came back into the city and went to see Nathan.

He was at work.

It was quiet so after he got our drinks and snacks sussed he was able to come sit down and talk with us.

We soon had several of his bosses and co-workers sitting there chilling too.

It was a rather pleasant time.

They were picking my brains as to how to make scones properly!!

Maybe I have a future occupation - training the chefs how to cook properly

By 7pm I was getting really tired so we prised ourselves away.

I dropped Marah off at her friends house and then headed out to Richmond.

On the way I had a phone call which was pretty upsetting.

I had the call on loud speaker so was able to talk and keep driving.

Also passed an accident on the Bishopdale hill.

Traffic was banked up with flashing lights from police etc directing traffic.

They were trying to turn over a red car which was lying on it's roof.

Just praying that there were no serious injuries.

I was soon back at Ross & Andrea's.

The kids were fed and happy and Andrea had dinner saved for me.

I got several emails which upset me, and on top of the phone call I had had I was feeling really stressed and upset.

The children went off to bed and I had a long talk with Phillipa on the phone while I tried to process it all.

I just do not need and cannot cope with any extra dramas right now.

I have enough just trying to keep myself and kids functioning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We woke to the sound of gentle rain this morning.

It has been raining off and on throughout the day.

It got heavier and heavier as the day progressed.

Lovely lovely rain.

By this arvo we had had over an inch (32mm) in the past two days.

 

Cat was replacing a window and had all her tools lying at the back door.

I cracked up when I saw this very innovative way of protecting the tools.

She has also been sorting through the workshop and doing a big clean out.

Seb came around in the afternoon to help her.

There is generations of stuff stashed in there.

Cat has found a few treasures but nothing special today.

Anson went hunting in the morning and then came back and cut up the muttons and put meat through the mincer.

 

Julia helped Shoshannah do her birds this morning so she will know what to do while we are in town.

Then she peeled and sliced pears.

 

I had gotten up before 7am today and had a quick spa while it was still quiet.

Then spent some time in my art corner.

It was the first time I have been in there in over a month.

I managed to make two cards.

I have several more to do, but that was enough for now.

 

I have not been feeling good today.

It is 4 weeks today that Tim died.

I have been feeling physically sick today.

Loud noises were doing my head in and I was so incredibly tired.

Azzan was being a tad stroppy which wasn't making me very happy.

I know he is reacting, he is only 10 and he is trying to process things.

He has been trying to be good but in the past two days he has been noticeably stroppier.

I can't handle that when I am not feeling great either.

Had a sally-up chat with him tonight before bed.

He heard me.

Am just going to have to try and keep tabs on him and hear his emotions without letting him away with negative behaviour.

Fine line!

 

I sat and knitted for a while after breakfast.

Graham arrived with his Nissan Regulus.

He is lending it to me for this town trip so I can trial drive it.

I am wanting to buy a similar vehicle so it will be good to get a feel for it.

I got some instructions on how to operate it and then Graham walked back home.

Mahalia has been having a big clean out in her room which kept her busy all day.

She has also been having fun with her crafty presents I gave to her.

Julia peeled and sliced so many pears that I felt I had to preserve them.

We got some jars in the oven to heat up while I got organised.

I filled about 14 jars, so that was a good achievement for the day.

Leann stuffed and rolled a roast of mutton for dinner.

She also made some apple and mint jelly.

Julia helped her prepare veges for dinner.

She is a bright we thing and the kids are loving her company.

Then the bag of hazelnuts came out to be done.

Phillipa had given me them a few weeks ago.

We had opened a few but they were mostly duds so had left them.

Azzan helped the girls with the hammering and they got the whole lot done.

Not a lot of nuts for the amount of work but they are tasty

The noise was too much for me.

I headed off to bed after lunch.

I think I managed to get a bit of sleep.

Seb came in for a chat and I could hardly stay awake so he went off to help Cat.

Then I slept.

The phone woke me and I managed to talk slightly coherently to Sasha for a wee while.

I think she might have done the talking actually!

Then Seb came back and I had to wake up and discuss business.

Neither of us is terribly motivated right now.

So hard to get stuff done when you are feeling emotionally drained.

It was getting on towards 5pm so I got up and tried to do some stuff.

While I wrapped presents Shoshannah did some photocopying for me that I have bee trying to do for weeks.

Dinner time was quite noisy as Azzan was flying on all cylinders.

 

I was trying to get the kids to get ready for town tomorrow as I want to leave by 10am.

We will see in the morning how organised they are!

I have spent the evening in the study connected to the printer catching up on a whole heap of photo printing that I had been promising the kids I would do.

Plus I got the wwoofers book up to date.

It is once again really late and I should be going to sleep.

But I know that as soon as I put out the light I will lie here and my brain will begin to remember what I don't want to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the past few weeks I have been numbing the pain of being in bed alone by watching mindless dvd's until I fall asleep.

Last night I was so tired.

So tired from emotional exhaustion that I just turned out the light.

It was so hard.

I sobbed myself to sleep.

Then I woke up before 6am and in Graham's words - my eyes were still sweating

 

 

 

 

 

Woke to the wonderful sound of gentle rain this morning.

Seems an age since we heard that sound.

After a long spell of dry hot weather I find wet days to be very calming.

Azzan had ended up back in his room last night sleeping with the girls.

So this morning they got all their munchie foods and continued the slumber party watching a movie on the dvd player.

Finally prised them out of bed around 10am with the suggestion that they might just like to clean up Azzan's room and enjoy the last hours of their time together.

They were very good and immediately got to it and cleaned up.

Then despite the rain they all took off out to swim.

They yo-yoed between the sea and the spa again.

 

Graham came around for fellowship at 10:30am.

I was really struggling with having our 'normal' fellowship meeting today.

It is just a month since Tim's accident and the first time we have had the opportunity to meet together.

I just couldn't manage it today.

Tim always led our meeting.

His absence was just too much for me to handle today.

We ended 'fellowshipping' round the table with Dave & Margaret.

Margaret and I continued with our knitting.

Am making good progress, which feels good after not touching it for the past month.

 

'Intrepid' - one of the other mussel harvesters dropped in a load of ropes after doing a harvest for us.

So looks like some rope conditioning work coming up.

 

Seb called to say he was on his way over in the boat to take them out fishing.

Dave and all the girls went.

Azzan opted to stay back.

It was murky misty rain still with a light wind picking up so Seb didn't want to be too long out there.

When they returned I spotted Katherine running across the top of the mussel ropes and all of a sudden realised she was about to dive off.

I clicked the camera just as she dove in and caught her mid dive!

The girls ran up to the house as the rain was coming in very steadily now.

They had a nice catch of blue cod for lunch.

Dave & Seb chatted for a few minutes and then Seb headed off home.

Graham cooked up the cod and we enjoyed it with leftovers for lunch.

The kids went swimming again!

I had the washing machine and dryer going non-stop to keep up with all the wet clothes and towels.

One thing I cannot stand is having wet washing lying about.

I am a bit phobic about it.

 

The afternoon disappeared into a continual lunch session.

Cat & Leann had been busy sorting out stuff in the workshop so they were late down as well.

Finally around 4pm it was time for the girls to say goodbye.

Mahalia with her 'birthday presents' - Kashana & Sophie

Some tomfoolery before they headed out the door.

To try and get them settled down a tad so I could get a reasonable photo of all 6 of them I lined them up on the freezer.

But even then it took 6 photos to get a half decent one of them all

Skip and Cat had to join the party

Lots more hugs and goodbyes and then David &Margaret managed to get them up to the van.

While the girls sorted themselves out and said more goodbyes Dave helped Azzan bring a load of firewood down to the house.

 

After they all left the kids and I collapsed on the sofa and watched a few episodes of 'The Cosby Show'.

I carried on knitting while watching.

Haven't got much left to go on the wee hats so I am really getting into it.

 

Anson arrived in around 7pm with Julia from Hawaii.

Sandra had picked her up in Nelson and brought her in for us.

She has just finished working with Nathan at Hangar 58 and is now going to help us for a week or two.

 

We heated up lasange & fish for dinner.

It is good having so many leftovers but I think we will be pretty darned sick of them very soon

The penguins are back under the house again.

I went off to bed way before the kids tonight.

I could hear Azzan calling out.

I didn't know where he was.
Shoshannah went to see what his problem was and found him in the spa and penguins scuttling about in the garden.

 

I think the busy weekend has worn us all out.

Didn't take long for the kids to settle to sleep tonight.

 

It is 4 weeks tomorrow afternoon since Tim's accident.

I was just going through some photos I took the week or so before and found this one I had forgotten about.

My Timmy.

When I look at his face here, his bright eyes and craggy lines, and his tough weather beaten hands which were so gentle and loving I cannot believe he is not here.

He just looks so alive.

I miss him so so much and tonight I cannot stop the tears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke at 6:15am and lay watching a dvd for a while.

A friend of ours was turning 95 today so I sent her flowers via the internet.

 

Anson was around early to kill a couple of sheep.

He got them done and had the guts boiling up.

 

I raced through the shower around 8am.

Then out to the kitchen to help gather up the food for the bbq.

I was on the phone around 9am when Anson cheerfully and very loudly came through the house covered in blood & smelling like dead sheep, demanding hugs from everyone.

Of course he was inundated with hugs - not!

 

Cat helped box up all the food etc and load it into the Terrano cuz I wanted to leave by 10:30am.

The kids were ready in the back seat and I went to start the motor only to find the battery was flat

Within moments Cat & Anson were there.

They had heard it trying to turn over.

They got the spare battery and jumper leads into action.

But there was no action.

Then Anson tried to jump start it from his truck.

Still no joy.

Then they put the spare battery in and jump started it from Anson's truck and it worked

I don't really know what I would do without these kids of mine.

 

They then put the original battery back in and I kept the motor revving and charged it as I drove over the hill to Sebastian & Phoebe's.

We picked up Marah on the way past.

Sandra & Phil and Lizzy had already arrived.

Cat, Leann & Adina came by dinghy.

Brent and Sue drove up just after us.

Seb & Phoebe had been busy getting the lawns cut and the edges trimmed before we arrived.

The place was looking really good.

The sky was amazing.

 

We got the food underway.
The bbq was moved out onto the side deck and Leann, Seb & Azzan cooked up a the meat.

Phoebe made up a delicious rice salad and Mahalia & Azzan began pouring apple juice over ice.

The day was getting rather hot so we were all hanging out for cold drinks.

 

Josh arrived in his boat with Kate, Nathan, Ryan, Jan & Talbot.

Anson & Graham drove over in the truck.

Jan & Liz helped with food preparation.

The guys found a shady spot to sit and chat.

There was plenty of watermelon to pass around.

Finally around midday I heard a vehicle coming down the drive.

I grabbed Mahalia and took her out the back door to side track her.

She had no idea who was coming or that there even was anyone else coming.

Margaret & Dave and brought Katherine, Sophie & Kashana down and had also picked up Uncle Martin at Okiwi Bay.

I made her close her eyes and lead her outside.

She was speechless with joy when she saw Sophie and Kashana in front of her.

It was well worth all the secrecy and subterfuge

 

Katherine had made some cool cupcakes.

This one was made especially for Mahalia.

Mahalia just wanted a cream sponge for her birthday cake.

It was really funny watching from behind - Sandra, Liz & Jan all squeezed into the corner trying to decorate the cake.

Filling it with cream and boysenberries and then more cream on top covered in sprinkles.

The food was all out and ready to eat around 12:30ish.

It was a pretty amazing and very tasty spread.

The birthday girl with her besties.

And out on the front deck sat all the oldies eating their lunches

Once the first course was demolished we brought out the sweet stuff.

And there was heaps of it!!

The cake was amazing and Mahalia was pretty happy with it.

She had by this time changed her clothes - again!

This time she was wearing the new shorts and top that Kashana gave her.

 

Shoshannah & Katherine walked back home around the track after lunch.

Sandra & Phil had another party to get to in Nelson so they had to leave soon after 2pm.

They took Adina with then to Nelson, dropped Martin back to Okiwi Bay and left Lizzy at her truck up the top of the hill.

Love this photo of Mahalia saying goodbye to Uncle Martin.

The younger crew went for a swim.

Tide was high and the temperatures were inviting.

Everyone relaxed and chatted.

I collapsed in the lounge under an open window where it was lovely and cool.

I was so tired and barely keeping it together.

Not quite sure what set me off but the tears were bubbling close to the surface most of the day.

Phoebe and Marah relaxed down the other end of the living room.

I couldn't stay awake and ended up dozing a while.

When I came too we got the paint swatches out and talked colours for the outside of the houses.

Phoebe has begun painting the back porch area at Waterfall Bay and it is looking great.

Much lighter and fresher.

 

The tide was dropping so around 4pm-ish Josh loaded his crew on board and headed off to catch some fish on their way home.

Cat and Leann loaded up all the food into the Terrano for me to take back.

They took Margaret home in the dinghy.

I took Azzan, and the three girls piled into the van with Dave and we toodled homeward.

The tears I had been battling all day finally had free rain.

I cried all the way home.

 

When we got back the children were all busy.

The were in leaping off the wharf and swimming and then up into the spa and then back to the beach and back to the spa!!

I was so weary - emotionally and physically.

Cat & Leann went for a sleep.

Margaret wanted to see what I had been knitting so I brought out my bag.

I hadn't touched it in a month.

Finally I got started and did a few rows of the wee baby hats I am making.

Just didn't have the energy to do too many though.

But at least it is a start.

Margaret got started on her knitting too so the girls were teasing us about being a couple of grannies.

And out the front window the crazy kids were havng a spa party.

 

No one was particularly hungry so dinner was very easy.

We just filled ciabatta buns with salad fillings and left over bbq meats.

 

When everyone had headed off to bed I went to snuggle down the young ones.

I gave them 10 minutes to get themselves organised while I returned a phone call.

It was good to have a cry on the phone with Vonnie.

 

Shoshannah & Katherine  - the very old older ones  - were ready for lights out.

Mahalia, Sopie & Kashana had made themselves beds in Azzan's room and were taking a lot longer to settle.

I thought Azzan was sleeping with me but he wasn't there.

I went looking and heard crying coming from Mahalia's room.

He had barricaded himself in there and was sobbing.

I got him to come to my room and we hugged and cuddled and he cried and cried.

He was asking why?
Why did his Daddy have to leave him.

He only got to have 10 years with him and it wasn't enough and he wanted his Daddy to live forever.

Hard questions to answer.

So all I can do is cuddle and cry with him cuz today has been a very hard day for me too.

 

He has just been down to the beach with the 3 girls to look for phospherence and now he is snuggled up beside me cuddling William the bear.

Yes he has a name now - William.

Tim's unofficial second name.

 

Now, he has vacated and gone to sleep in Mahalia's bed.

So I am all alone here with William.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is Mahalia's 13th birthday.

She had a birthday breakfast around with Marah & Anson.

They all arrived around here mid morning.

She looked so beautiful in her birthday glow.

She had used her new hair straighteners she had been given by Marah & Anson and her hair was all straight and pretty and not all curly.

She really dislikes her boofy hair, as she refers to it as

I like it both ways - she is a very fortunate young lady to have the best of both worlds.

 

The kitchen here was a hive of industry for the morning.

Cat, Leann, Adina & Shoshannah were flat out.

There was beans being top and tailed, tomatoes getting chopped up.

Tomato sauce boiling on stove, Azzan making foccacia bread.....

 

I was sitting on my bed with my laptop getting taxes paid.

I had to really focus on what I was doing because I was doing a heap of catching up over the past 32 months and didn't want to get anything wrong.

Each time a small person came into my room they would have to leave.

But I finally got it completed.

Anson & Marah came in and we held court on my bed!

Had a few things to discuss so we got comfy.

I had volunteered to make the lasagne for dinner, but because I was busy I asked the kitchen crew if they could process the veges I needed plus grate the cheese so I could just get it all together quickly.

I sorta missed lunch so decided to just get on with making the white sauce and constructing the lasagne.

I was quite tired but with help finally got it all done.

 

The mailboat arrived around 2pm.

Azzan came rushing up wanting to borrow my camera.

He was made to promise to keep the strap around his wrist and not let it fall in the water!!

Thankfully he didn't and here are some of his photos.

The birthday girl.

Leann & Archie pig.

 

Mailboat approaching from Waterfall Bay.

Mailbag swap and smile for the cameras

 

I took a break to eat my lunch while I opened the mail.

There were parcels for Mahalia - wonder why? Must be a special day

Madeline sent her some cute soap,

a pretty purple heart necklace

and this amazing wall montage with photos of the two of them growing up together.

So super cool - Mahalia was thrilled - thank you Madi and Louisa

And a parcel from Emma

Cool papers to use, and sweets to eat - Thanks Emma xxx

Then it was my turn to open a large parcel addressed to moi!

Inside was this wonderful quilt.

I was blown away.

The kids all think it is amazing that it has been created so quickly.

And on the back was stitched this

Corina & Hamish - it is beautiful.

Thank you so very very much.

I will treasure it xxx

 

I was hoping to have a rest this arvo but that never happened.

The lasagne making, preparing ambrosia for desert, and just generally getting dinner sussed carried on till dinner time.

Azzan had made slater potatoes - as he calls them.

I call them hucklebacks, but he thinks they look like slaters

I discovered when dinner was only half an hour from being ready that they hadn't even been put int he oven.

So I juggled the two large and very heavy dishes of lasagne between the electric and wood stove ovens, turned up the oven heat lots and we got them cooked.

A large pot of beans were boiled, buttered and peppered, and then we were all ready to serve.

Azzan set the table beautifully and then poured the sparkling grape juice.

 

We had a full table.

Seb, Phoebe & Graham, Anson & Marah joined us, so we were 12 around the table with Mahalia sitting in Daddy's chair because she was the birthday girl.

We had all agreed to pull out all stops and make her birthday extra special because the most special person in her life was not here anymore plus it is the the first famil birthday celebrated without him

 

We teased her a bit after the main course and said that because we were having a birthday bbq tomorrow with lots of other friends that she should open her presents then.

That did not go down well

So we relented and brought out a large pile of interesting shaped gifts.

The first one was from Seb & Phoebe, and Feebz had had fun trying to disguise the obvious

A neon pink fishing rod.

So now she can go fishing with Seb.

 

Nicky, Dave and co had sent up a cool parcel of horsey things, including a bright pink lead rope and a girlie hoof pick and comb.

Marah & Anson had given her the hair straightener and curling set with product.

She was delighted cuz she gets annoyed with her 'poofy boofy' hair!

I got her some craft sets which she will have lots of fun using.

Nail art, ear ring maker and a bead loom to create bracelets and necklaces.

Plus a set of coasters with gorgeous photos of horses on them.

Azzan bought her (with my money!) a Schleich Frisian mare and a new Sylvanian canoe set.

She was delighted to get a 'Farmers' voucher from Graham and some money from Sylvia & Uncle Martin.

She can go shopping now

 

This was her all time most favourite present of the day.

Shoshannah made her this framed montage of her Daddy.

She loves it.

 

Then she found the parcel from Uncle Murray.

I think she was pretty excited.

Nail polishes and lip glosses - perfect gift for our girlie girl.

He phoned her up soon afterward so she was able to thank him and include in the loop of birthday excitement.

Anson & Azzan made sure that the evening was fun and kept the proceedings amusing.

Ambrosia, and jelly made by Mahalia, with home made ice cream made by Azzan finished off our meal.

We were all very full bunnies by the end of the night.

 

All in all it was a good day.

Although I could see in her eyes that she was really missing her Daddy.

The collaged picture was the best thing and she sat for ages just dreaming over it.

 

Tonight all three children are sleeping in Shoshannah's room together.

Azzan wanted to sleep with me but I told him he could stay put tonight and tomorrow he could cuddle up here.

 

I just cannot comprehend that Tim is not here to celebrate with us.

I know he is gone, but I keep thinking that it is all just a bad dream and that all this fuss about him being killed and the many phone calls and emails of support are just not actually necessary cuz it is just not real.

I am accepting it all with my mouth/words.

I know he is gone.

But my brain just can't fathom the enormity of it all.

I feel like I just have to shake my head and it will all not be real.

I don't want this to be real.

I don't want to have to sort out Tim's clothes and I don't want to have to deal with all the business stuff alone or the emotional traumas.

I was pretty distraught the other day to get a copy of our local home school family list and they had already taken Tim's name off of it.

He had only been dead for 17 days and they had already removed his name.

I got an invitation to a function around the same time and his name was not on it either.

I just found that all way too much.

It was like he was being obliterated from my life far too soon.

I feel like I am being whisked off on a treadmill of life on my own and I am trying to pull on the brakes.

I don't want to go there.....