March 12, 2013
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Tuesday 12th March
So, this morning I slept a little later, but that was only because I didn't go to sleep till about 1:30am.
After I had my spa I was in the bathroom and all of a sudden I had this really overwhelming feeling of the knowledge that this emptiness and aloneness is actually my reality from here on in.
I am trying really hard not to get into my normal 'busy' mode which has in the past covered the necessity to deal with pain in my life.
I am taking time, taking it slow, don't want to move on, but know I have to.
So am making movements forward to try and activate and not spend all the days wallowing.
3 weeks ago today, I had spent most of the day at the police station, trying to make sense of everything.
The surrealness of having to identify the body of my soulmate.
Coming to grips with the fact that he was gone - completely gone.
Still cannot comprehend that fact.
Only 3 weeks.
In one sense it feels like a life time already.
And in another it's barely a day.
Life is a blur.
But it is also a numb bubble of heightened clarity.
I can't cope with noise and fuss.
It is all just too much.
It echoes and rocks around in the space in my head and heart where Tim is supposed to be.
I am carrying on.
Taking hold of the reins of the businesses.
I can't let all Tim worked so hard for fall down around us.
So as we mourn and grieve we will also face reality.
We have to do this.
I have to do this.
Shoshannah had the fire going and a roast of mutton in nice and early.
She also got Chad and Rainy doing a few jobs while they waited for Seb.
Sebastian came over mid morning to get them and the water blaster.
Took them back to help clean The Lodge and water blast the house.
They had a great day over there.
This morning I could see that Seb is also under the same cloud of exhaustion, shock, bewilderment and confusion.
It is an exhausting thing.
All the family is suffering from it.
We are all carrying on as best we can, each in their own ways.
Shoshannah is needing to rest each afternoon but keeps busy for the rest of her day.
The younger children take solace in talking with their friends on the phone.
But we have to pick up the pieces and begin to put one foot in front of the other and begin to make some progress.
I sorted through a lot of cds today containing old photos.
Mostly of Bri as a baby as she had asked me to look for them.
I tried to upload them onto Tim's FB page but the internet was being stroppy so I had to give up.
Will try again next week while in town.
Shoshannah has been working her way through a lot of other cds and is finding some real treasures.
Noel came in to see me this arvo.
He had been doing some line assessments for me.
We had a long talk re the mussel farms and where to go from here.
It was good.
I was so tired when he left though that I put everything away and lay down to watch a dvd.
Don't know how much I saw though as I think I went to sleep a few times!
Came to around 6pm and Cat and crew had just arrived back.
Azzan carrying his stuff up to the house.
It was really lovely that Cat was able to take Mahalia & Azzan away for the couple of nights on the yacht.
They had a great time and came home really happy.
It had been quite windy so they slept ashore at Cat's friends place.
According to Azzan they are full on hippies
They have solar power.
Live very eco friendly out in the bush.
They had an outside bath with fire under it which they all made use of.
They had a bonfire on the beach and made a raft with a fire on it and let it float off out in to the darkness.
Then turned around to find their dinghy had drifted off out into the darkness too!
Oops!
Cat had to go for a fast search - thankfully it was found.
But it was also flipped over in a wind gust and the outboard motor got a dunking so will require cleaning in fresh water before she starts it up again.
The swimming with seals was apparently quite an adventure but when the seals got too friendly and began chewing on the side of the dinghy and nipping Azzan's butt Cat decided it was time to hi-tail outa there.
Azzan was telling us all at dinner about the glow in the dark water
I thought he was talking about phosphorescence but apparently in a small cave they went into there was a greeninsh glow to the water.
So basically, they had a great time - Thanks Cat for imparting and sharing life skills and experiences with your young siblings xxxx
As Cat & Leann were unloading I got a call from Milo who was coming into the bay in a 65' yacht.
I told him he could come use our mooring tonight as Seb has taken '88 South' up to Waterfall.
He has a few passengers on board.
Nice
Everyone enjoyed Shoshannah's delicious mutton roast and roast spuds, and mashed carrots.
Mahalia & Adina had caught cod on the way home so that was cooked up as well.
Lovely and fresh.
Rainy & Chad enjoyed that.
They had had a lovely day over at Waterfall with Seb & Phoebe.
Everyone was off to bed by 9pm.
I went up to say goodnight to Azzan.
He is so happy during the day but at night we have long hug sessions.
Tonight there were tears when we hugged.
Poor wee fella.
He is so brave.
Through his tears he tells me he loves me so so very much.
And then he said 'at least we still have Graham.'
Now I'm crying again.
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