March 8, 2013

• Thursday 7th March

   

   

   

  As usual I woke early.

  Seems to be becoming my normal pattern.

  I am sleeping okay at the moment, it is just the number of hours between the shutting and reopening of the eyes are not that many.

  It is lovely and peaceful sleeping in Ross & Andrea's downstairs 'cave'.

  It feels safe there and I can hide away from everything.

   

  But today I had to get up and shower and pack and get the Terrano loaded early.

  I had an appointment down the road at 8:45am.

  I was ready at 8am but the girls took a bit more convincing to get out the door.

  I thought I might be able to go post the mail first but found the Post Office didn't open till 8:30am so that would be pushing it a bit.

  So instead I sat & breathed, and talked with Ross for half an hour.

  Much better option

  While I was at Concept Health the girls sat in the car and waited.

  Shoshannah was happy with her book and Mahalia had Azzan's juggling sticks.

  Judy arrived and soon I was lying on her couch and enjoying the soothing music and lovely a leg and foot massage.

  She was very nice, but I couldn't tell her.

  As she massaged I had this overwhelming urge to burst into tears, but I held myself together and eventually drifted off to sleep.

  It was so lovely and relaxing - just what the Dr ordered!

   

  When I was done we cruised off into the city.

  Got caught up in the Waimea Road reconstructions so only just had time to whiz in and get us all some frappaccinnos.

  Mahalia took hers and walked to the library to meet Sophie.

  I had a 10am counseling session to get to and was there with only a minute to spare so Shoshannah walked across the park to her appointment.

  I had a very emotional therapy session.

  There was a lot of pent up grief which I had been containing.
  

  I am not the sort of person to let lose and sob my heart out in front of people and have been managing to keep myself together - just!
  

  But there are times when it just has to be set free.
  

   

  The girls were all sorted so I drove into the city centre and met up with Gabrielle and Azzan.

  He had had a lovely time meeting his new friend and had slotted into their family without any problems at all.

  I zipped in quickly to posted the mail.

  Azzan stayed in the car.
  

  When I returned he was very sad and thoughtful.
  

  He told me, 'There was an old homeless man trying to find food in the rubbish bin and I felt so awful and sad for him.'
  

  Later he asked me how he could raise money to help the homeless people.
  

  He has such a compassionate heart - may it stay that way.
  

   

  I then dropped Azzan off at the library while I went looking for wedding and engagement presents for several young friends.

  Not much spare energy to spend looking at the moment so chose just to go to Briscoes and see what they had on offer.
  

  Not too often you can walk out of their empty handed
  

  Met up with Sophie & Mahalia there, topped up their lunch money and they went off to find food and then walk back up to Sophie's house.

  Had a bit of a mix-up/confusion with meeting Maree & Glen but we finally teed up and I loaded a lovely supply of frozen berries into the Terrano in two large chilly bins.

  Back to Briscoes to pick up and pay for the presents I had found.

  Loaded them into the back and wondered where on earth I was going to put the groceries - let alone the 3 kids!

   

  Throughout the day I was really battling with some heavy emotions.
  

  Tears were just sitting waiting to pour if anyone said the wrong right thing
  

  I forbade anyone to ask me the 'how are you?' question.
  

  It is just way too hard right now.
  

  There are no answers that I can express in words.
  

   

  Shoshannah had taken some lunch to the library for Azzan and text me to say he wanted to come with me now, so I swung past and picked him up.

  Then as I was starving hungry I zipped back and picked up a baked spud on the way over to Tahunanui where I was meeting Phillipa at Trents.

   

  I was a few minutes early so we parked in the shade and I ate my potato while Azzan read his books.

  He had been telling me as we drove of some of the titles he had picked up.

  Mostly on social issues - rascism, eating disorders, drugs, poverty.....

  As we sat I asked him what he was reading.

  He held up the book and I saw the title - 'Saying goodbye to a parent.'

  My heart wept with his glistening eyes.

  Asked him if it was a helpful book and he looked sadly at me and nodded.

   

  I decided to go make a start on the shopping so we trundled the trolley inside and Azzan helped me find what we needed, plus other things that he felt we should have!!

  Philipa arrived and we collected up what she needed.

  Then decided that as it was so hot and we both needed a break, to go back into town and meet up at Starbucks and take time to sit a while and have a drink and a chat.

  It was lovely and cool upstairs and not crowded.

  Azzan stretched out on a couch and read his book.

  He was really weary too.

   

  Shoshannah arrived at 4pm and then headed off to get herself a drink and do some last minute shopping.

  She and Mahalia made their own ways to Hangar 58.

   

  I had to go see the guys at Tui Vision about the funeral video.

  They had a copy finished and ready for me to take.

  It sounded a bit weird to say that I was looking forward to watching it.

  But I am.

  Not that I want to be reminded that Tim has gone, but that I will be able to sit in my own space and quiet and be able to comprehend the day that was such a blur of people and exhaustion.

  The guys that did the filming and editing of it are so lovely, very compassionate and professional.

  If anyone wants a copy please let me know by private message as I will be ordering some extras for family soon.

  They will cost $26NZ each.

   

  I arrived at Hangar 58 before 5pm.

  Nathan had a few minutes before he was technically at work, despite the fact that he had been there for quite a few hours prior to that.

  Shoshannah took this lovely photo of him just before he changed into his work clothes.

  

  We got some drinks ordered and sat out in the courtyard.

  Azzan played with his juggling sticks for a while and then sat and read.

  When he is reading he is oblivious to all.

  

  Martin & Sylvia joined us - we ordered food and just chilled in the late arvo sun and talked and laughed.

  

  

  

  

   

  Azzan and Mahalia made the most of my inattention to the open tab and had a few too many drinks!!
  Azzan was in high spirits when we finally left - too much colour and sugar methinks

   

  

  

  The last decadent 'drink'

  

  

   

  We finally had to leave as the day was disappearing.

  We fueled up the vehicle and then zipped in and grabbed a few groceries and were on our way out of town bout 7:40pm.

   

  I was body weary but not sleepy so okay to drive.

  We talked a lot until we got to Okiwi Bay.

   

  Was good to stretch the legs and find a jacket to put on.

  We needed some windows open but the night was chilling down a tad.

  Shoshannah found my Leonard Cohen cds and he helped me home.

   

  The closer I got to the crash site the more my stomach was tying itself in knots.

  I was beginning to feel quite sick.

  When I got there all I wanted to do was stop the car and get out and sit there and keen and wail into the night.

  Leonard was singing my song around that point and I just kept driving as the tears were quietly streaming down my face.

  The darkness hides my pain well.

   

  We were soon home and the girls helped me unpack everything quite quickly.

  Azzan put himself straight to bed.

   

  I had a quick spa and then played on the laptop for a few moments but was so tired I eventually just fell asleep.

   

   

   

   

   

  • 4:28 am
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