February 20, 2013

• Thursday 21st February

   

   

   

  I slept for a few hours but woke at 6:30am and the realisation of everything just hit me with a savage forcefulness.

  I am sitting in bed crying, sobbing, how am I going to get through today?
  How am I going to make it without my Love, my dearest one, the one who knew me, who knew all of me.

  I cant bare to think of never having him in my bed, of him never holding me, loving me, protecting me, sharing our dreams.

  We have been together for a life time.

  I fell in love with my tall strong handsome country boy when I was only 14.

  

  That is 42 years of my life but it wasn't enough.

  I wanted more, I needed more.

  I know he is with his Lord now.

  I take comfort in knowing he is with his grandson and that he and Cypress and whole and complete and are without impediment, they are standing together like two mighty strong trees - Cypress and my tall strong Matai.

  But it doesn't take away my pain.

   

   

  I'm listening to this song, the words are making the tears flow harder.

  I have always loved listening to Leonard Cohen, my children have had to endure his cds playing in the car constantly during our trips to town - in an uncanny way he reminds me of my man.

   

  I loved you for a long, long time
  I know this love is real
  It don't matter how it all went wrong
  That don't change the way I feel
  And I can't believe that time's
  Gonna heal this wound I'm speaking of
  There ain't no cure,
  There ain't no cure,
  There ain't no cure for love.

  I'm aching for you baby
  I can't pretend I'm not
  I need to see you naked
  In your body and your thought
  I've got you like a habit
  And I'll never get enough
  There ain't no cure,
  There ain't no cure,
  There ain't no cure for love

  There ain't no cure for love
  There ain't no cure for love
  All the rocket ships are climbing through the sky
  The holy books are open wide
  The doctors working day and night
  But they'll never ever find that cure for love
  There ain't no drink no drug
  (ah tell them, angels)
  There's nothing pure enough to be a cure for love

  I see you in the subwayand I see you on the bus
  I see you lying down with me, I see you waking up
  I see your hand, I see your hair
  Your bracelets and your brush
  And I call to you, I call to you
  But I don't call soft enough
  There ain't no cure,
  There ain't no cure,
  There ain't no cure for love

  I walked into this empty church I had no place else to go
  When the sweetest voice I ever heard, whispered to my soul
  I don't need to be forgiven for loving you so much
  It's written in the scriptures
  It's written there in blood
  I even heard the angels declare it from above
  There ain't no cure,
  There ain't no cure,
  There ain't no cure for love

  There ain't no cure for love
  There ain't no cure for love
  All the rocket ships are climbing through the sky
  The holy books are open wide
  The doctors working day and night
  But they'll never ever find that cure,
  That cure for love

   

  Bri and Nick arrived back late last night and she showed me what she had done at the crash scene.

  My precious daughter - thank you so so much for honouring your Dad like this.

  This is more precious to me than any marble headstone.

  

   

  I washed away my tears in the shower and while I was trying to get dressed Bri, Cat & Shoshannah arrived.

  Bri had to help me into my dress - my emotions were so tangled that I couldn't think stright to even do such a simple thing as to putting on my dress.

  When I got upstairs Christine had breakfast on the table and was looking after everyone - as he does - so well

  Thank you Christine for being such a true and faithful friend xxx

   

  I had several things I needed to do but as the morning was disappearing into talk and photos I left Cat to deliver Tim's clothes to the undertaker.

  The children have chosen his clothes - they were determined he was not to be buried in his suit, but in his work clothes that he wore every day.

  The grey shirt that the kids used to write messages to him on when he was sitting at the table.

  When I left the house Bri had the coffin underway.

  I left Christine with the job of photographicallyrecording the work in progress while I was away - she was delighted to have a special job to do for me

  

  I headed into town and had time to grab a frappaccino before meeting with my therapist.

  I had a really good hour with her.

  Then it was time to go meet up with the Detective Inspector from Blenheim Police who had driven all the way over specifically to meet with me and formally apologize face to face for the botch up that was made on Monday.

  Because I was feeling so incredibly fragile I had asked Sally to come with me cuz I just didn't have the strength to do this alone.

  As Sally and I waited she broke the news to me that the catering company who we had been to see had just given her a quote of $27.50 per head - just for a small morning tea!
  We were both horrified.

  That would cost more than the entire funeral

  Ross arrived and bought us drinks and we sat in the sun outside Di Pierre's Cafe and talked.

  It was actually very therapeutic and calming to talk with him and hear the rest of the story and fill in the missing pieces and to be able to tell him my side of the story.

  He was so lovely.

  We probably talked for over an hour.

  Sally was there on the peripheral, monitoring the phone and chasing up other catering options.

  We talked about the possibility that we had come across of taking Tim back to the farm to bury.

  He said he would do all he could to ensure it would happen and he headed off to make calls and liaise with our funeral director.

  Sally & I talked some more and then she headed off to met Phillipa and do more planning.

  I really don't know what I would have done with out these two very dear and special friends - love you both so much for being right here right now

  I went to Nelson Beauty Therapy, Bedelia had opened her rooms up to me and any of the family that needed some pampering.

  When I arrived Jesika was already beginning an hour long full body massage and Sunni & Sasha were sitting soaking their feet, reclining back on the lounge sofa relaxing and talking.

  It was all so calm and beautiful.

  I had a lovely relaxing hour or so with Amanda looking after me.

  I so needed to just lie and relax and be loved - it was lovely.

  Amanda has recently lost her partner so we were able to share tears together.

  Bedelia discovered our wish to take Tim home and immediately hopped on board the planning wagon.

  She has friends in so many useful places

  So before I was done she had made calls, liaised with Ross and the funeral director and before I left we knew for certain that Timmy was coming home with us

  Sasha & Sunni had left for home cuz Sunni wasn't feeling well.

  Jesika waited for me.

  As we hopped into the car we got a call from Nick to tell us the happy news that we had just received.

  The family network is alive and well and jumping for joy

   

  When we got back the coffin was practically finished - I will get photos from Christine soon.

  It is so cool and so Tim.

   

  Everyone went to David & Sasha's for dinner.

  Phillipa grabbed a plate of food for us and we headed off to see Adrienne.

  She kindly offered to do the funeral sheets for me so I took my laptop and found her office.

  She works there at night and Poppy occupies herself quietly on a neighbouring computer and toys etc.

  She's such a good wee girl - precious friend of Azzan's.

  It took quite a while to get things together.

  Phillipa went back to the house and brought back dinner for us all.

  While Adrienne worked I sorted photos for the slide show and collected memory quotes for the service.

  I found this inside Tim's Bible, and feel it really sums up Tim's attitude to his faith and how he lived it.

  He really lived it.

  

   

  Phillipa got loose with my iPhone and got very excited about taking photos.

  Here are just a few of Adrienne and me working.

  

  

  In amongst the floods of tears there were gales of laughter.

  I am so happy to be doing this with my friend.

   

   

   

  It was getting late so Phillip took my Terrano back and left it parked outside David & Sasha's andf then took her car home.
  She had a 40 min drive still!

  The evening just disappeared and soon it was 1pm and we were just finishing.

  Only the printing to do now - I am so rapt with the lovely job Adrienne has done of the sheets.

  Thanks so  very very much Adrienne

   

  It was way after 1pm when I tiptoed in and curled up beside a very comforting body in my bed.

  Marah woke slightly as I crawled in beside her.

  Azzan was snoring loudly on the floor beside us.

  I managed to sleep till 4:45am when my stupid body clock kicked it's alarm into action

   

   

  People have been sending me photos and amongst them I found this one of Tim and Michael from Colorado, who wwoofed for us a couple of years ago.

  It is very fitting to finish this post with the photo and the message Michael sent me this week.

  

  I only spent a short amount of time at Port Ligar, and I feel that my stay there was fairly routine. But Tim Shand had a profound impact on my life simply through the way he lived his. He loved his life, his family and his property.. There was nowhere else he wanted to be, and no one else he wanted to be with.. And for a young man who is still at odds with this world, it was inspiring to see a man at peace with it.
  Michael Ball

   

   

   

   

  • 1:47 pm
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